hope falls yet still hoping

Another day of hard work, another day of busy life was over.

I walk home in lonesomeness, seeing people pass by laughing. i walk in a very slow pace noticing people overtake me. 'twas a cold starless night.

I heard my phone rang. i fished the phone in my bag. Just before i could see who was calling, 'Battery Empty' was displayed on the screen of my phone and the ringing ended. I was so bothered who called.but soon after i arrived home, i figured out it was 'HIM'.

my heart has beaten differently this past few years whenever i receive messages from him. i get excited, happy, blooming and gay. I feel my blood rushing through my veins. my heart is full of something unexplainable. Complicated may this feeling seem, yet it felt good.

He is my long-admired guy.he's slender, brown-skinned, shiny-haired gorgeous 'julz'.

I have liked him ever since the day we first met. He has become my ideal/dream/right guy.

I have longed of him since the very first day we met.

we became friends, and i never thought, that's all we could ever be.

he has treated me more than a casual friend does. he calls me, and i feel he flirts at me.. that's how green i am,

interpreting simple ways of a sweet friendly man to a childish malicious gal, interpreting HIS ways to ME.

i was boosted with confidence and hopes as years pass that we still treat each other as though we're lovers.

i was a fool to think that it was like that."best friends" that's all we could ever be.

I charged my phone, a minute later my phone rang again. It was him."hello" i answered. and the conversation lasted for over 20 mins,

my hopes had rushed yet in a level of talking to a friend and not to a lover. I hesitated to talk but his voice was very inviting that i answer the usual way.

It can never be us, though he said possibility is on the way. I am losing my hope though I could still feel our intimacy.

i'm wishing this hope won't vanish until the it came the very day i ever wanted.

I was imprisoned in the thought that i and him be US. i had even told myself, "if not him, better not have any".

but i guess my heart had grown tired. yet still my little hopes lingers though it is gradually and eventually fading.

he said, goodnight and i did too. i still wear on my smile until the moment i close my eyes. . .

out nothing i said..."attract positive energy, just believe and everything will come true."

undefined

I've known her for quite some time. She's a girl with a sweet smile, the girl with great, head-turner physique. She's gorgeous, really gorgeous.

I've been with her for quite so long now. I spend most of my time with her. She knows almost everything about me; my birthday, favorite colors, health status, favorite past time, my crushes, my-one-and-only-love, my first heartbreak, my second heartbreak and maybe my next heartbreaks...

she's my ever dearest friend since I've stepped into college.She's there whenever i needed someone to talk to, someone to understand my foolishness. she was the only girl who had convinced me that i am loved. she was the only person whom i could pour on my feelings and emotions, the only person whom i can trust with my darkest, my most daring secrets. but this time, i guess she shouldn't know this feeling; she shouldn't know this longing; she shouldn't know this foolish infatuation.

it was summer when i first felt this crazy strange feeling. my eyes suddenly met hers in the middle of the day.The sun's shining up high when a ray of an eccentric light struck her eye, i saw a peculiar a spark. Her aura seemed to caught and never freed my attention.

i am now troubled and confused. Am i still me? Have I lost my sanity?

i look at her, i fake a smile to hide my aches and pains.

i look at her, i pretend I'm OK...

i smile.. i laugh..

she's the girl of my dreams...

how can i face her??

how long can i keep this??

this is the only confession I'll try not to let her know... but i guess she's smart enough to figure out that whom i refer to is HER. I should have read the signs. . . I should have been careful with these signs...

this is the strangest, craziest, skull-cracking maze I've ever entered...

I'm falling in love with her...

I am MariaJoLisa. . . a girl full of hopes and dreams yet . . .

trapped with her, with her gorgeous looks, with her irresistible smile...

NEVER TO TRUST LADS AGAIN

as in...

life indeed circles in trust

Yet The foundation of my trust has ruined.

Thank you for making me realize that I, We, Girls,  CAN NEVER TRUST YOU...

you still stick on your typical you.... your nature will always be like that and whatever happens, you'll never violate that nature.

I guess I was wrong...

 I am wrong...

And it will always be wrong...

keep the good work you bull shit...

you really are good in hiding your true you...

YOU"VE GOT THE BEST MASK EVER...

On the Other side of the Road

Trix, an intelligent weirdo, was on her way to school. She didn’t seem to be excited though it’s her first day on a university. She’s a fresh high school graduate entering a wider world, the world of college beings.

She was walking alone. Everybody seemed to be avoiding her. She wore a long skirt, just an inch above her ankle; topped with a blouse having long sleeves, just an inch below her elbow; with round reading glasses having black frame.
She walked in the classroom. Everybody was hesitant to talk to her. This scenario is not more unusual for her. She was used to that type of dealing with people. She opted to isolate herself and talked to no one.

She is every time alone.

Her house, just a few blocks away from school, looks so lonely like her ocean blue eyes. It’s quite big, full of glamorous furniture, glittering chandeliers and expensive decorations yet EMPTY, empty of life, empty of colour, and empty of love.
She was empty but not until one day...

On a sunny morning, Trix was in a hurry. The bell has rung and she hasn’t left their house yet. She was in a fast pace as she walked. On her rush, she bumped a young man of 19, riding on a bicycle heading on the same direction. Trix stumbled on the other side of the road’s intersection. She fainted and lost her breath for a moment.

“Miss..., miss..., are you ok?” the young man was constantly tapping her shoulders. He fainted and decided to carry Trix on her arms and bring her to the hospital. Just before he got a taxi, Trix opened her eyes, seemed to be catching her breath. The young man uttered, “miss, I’m gonna take you to the hospital.” “No, I’m gonna be late for my 9am class, I’m ok, I’m ok,” Trix responded.

“I insist”

“No please...”

The young man let her down and let her walk. But as Trix took few steps, she collapsed feeling her lower limbs shaking. The young man offered help and Trix couldn’t refuse the young man’s offer anymore.


“I’m Drew, and you are..?” the young man asked her politely as they were on their way to school. “I’m Trix.” She answered with a sweet smile on her lips.
That event was the start of their romantic love tale.


Trix’s life brightened because of Drew. Since the day Drew stepped into her world, everything changed. Drew has altered her monotony. She fell so deep in love with him, making him the centre of everything. Trix was WILLING TO GIVE EVERYTHING for her one and only, her only hero her savior from the vast ocean of hatred, anger and despise.
She was then grateful of having Drew.By that moment; HER GREATEST FEAR is TO LOSE DREW.


ON their first month, her gift to Drew was her WHOLENESS, HERSELF naked. She was SEVENTEEN then, too young, inexperienced.

Months later, Drew never showed up. He’s missing, gone with the wind. His friends were worried, concerned of where might he be. They wanted to talk to Trix but her heart was full of a mixture of anger and guilt so she didn’t showed up.

AT THE BALCONY of the house, an old woman of 57 is holding a photograph of a teenage couple, a 17-year old girl and a 19-year old guy. The woman is closely looking at the photo with tears running down her cheeks and silently whispers in grief these words: “I shouldn’t have done that. ,..I shouldn’t have done that.” She closes her eyes and embraces the OLD PHOTOGRAPH. Scenes of the past flash before her pressed eyes.

She CONCEIVED yet refused to be a mother.


She wanted to live her life with DREW ALONE.


“Babe, I was pregnant, but I got rid of the child before everybody would know,
Babe, we can life alone, just the two of us.” She uttered with a chilling voice.


Drew was shocked with what he had just heard. He remained expressionless and suddenly after a moment he burst into tears and ran away with no direction.


Trix followed him after a moment of tears. As she stepped outside their door, she saw people rushing to the corner of the street. They were heading to a man bathed with blood lifeless on the other side of the road...


She drowned in tears realizing that the bloody man on the other side of the road was her one and only DREW.

A walk to realization

I was walking. I looked around. I felt the cool wind touched my cheeks, the cool wind that blew my wavy hair. My eyes roamed and saw the well-trimmed grasses. I smelled the aroma of the newly cut leaves. It was soothing and relaxing. I extended my arms, closed my eyes and drew a full yawn. As I open my eyes, I marvelled at the gorgeous appeal of nature to me that day. The feeling was strange but it was good. I looked up the sky and thanked. I thank for every organism my eyes could glance at, for everything that exist.

I continued walking along the corridor in front of the lined up classrooms, facing the grass field. I touched the walls of the classroom as I pass by. The coolness of the walls penetrated my hand and soon after reached my elbows. I felt nature has given me, us, the very best. I perceived everything was carefully and lovingly prepared just for me, for me to enjoy and to reflect on. I suddenly I uttered, “Life is indeed beautiful beyond reasonable doubts”

I continued walking, everything I see, I praised truly and sincerely. I admired everything. I didn’t notice I was heading to the lady’s comfort room. I was feeling well but something’s pulling me to get in. I walked in the comfort room. Few steps from the doorway, I heard the drippings of the water from a half closed faucet. I can’t explain why those drops of water seemed to have rhythm in my psyche. ‘tadada dada da..’ was my sudden utterance. I noticed the huge mirror on my right. I turned and saw my reflection. I studied every detail of my being, from my eyelashes, my neck, and my hips down to my waist.

I stepped closer to the mirror to see my image clearer. I stared at my eyes. My eyeballs are big. They’re round and black with dark blue lining. I made few steps backward and noticed that my eyes look like those of an Indian. I smiled. I again stepped forward closer to the reflector. I suddenly noticed the red orange spots on my face, dark spots on my neck and arms because of my allergies. I then frowned for the thoughts that crossed my mind. I was never beautiful. My colour seemed to defy all the beauty I have. I took a look outside. I saw the beautiful views, beautiful colours of nature. I then sound a rich chuckle thinking that life is fair. I may be not beautiful, yet at least, I have lived in a beautiful place. “Isn’t thriving in a pretty place magnify my NOT-SO-BEING-BEAUTIFUL?” I guess no. It’s what I interpret as FAIRNESS.
But honestly,I’m not contented with that kind of “fairness”...

I can see other things as gorgeous creations why can’t I see myself like that???

I then faced the mirror back. I looked at my entire being.
Spots?..So what?
Dark skin?...So what?


I am beautiful in my own simple being...^^,

The Movie

I met him through a friend. He’s name is Cris and mine is Kris. We laughed because our names sound alike. =) . By the time we were introduced to each other by a common friend, I already noticed his obvious beauty. His eyes are round and expressive. They glow with feelings and emotions. His lips are in perfect shape, not so full, not so thin just perfectly good. He is skinny yet attractive in my own perception. But his very asset, which struck me most and left me in awe, was his bouncy shiny hair. It makes him totally gorgeous.

“Hi Kris,” he said with a soft and warm voice. Painted with a sweet smile, my face blushed. I looked at him and our eyes met. I then answered back “hello there Cris, have a seat =).”

I started the conversation to make the moment not dull. I asked where they were before they went over my place. He said they watched a horror suspense movie. Excitedly, I asked him to retell the movie for me.

At first, I was closely listening to his every word. I lean forward to hear him clearer. I looked at him and listened enthusiastically. A moment later, I didn’t pay attention to what he was saying anymore; I got focused on his ways, the blink of his eyes, his not-so-fake smile, and the move of his hair every time his fingers comb it from his forehead to his nape. The day ended with sweet “goodnights” and “see ya” yet I never knew how the story goes and ends, all I know was his beautiful ways.

I enjoyed his company. He is funny with sense.

Our first meeting was really good but after that we never had a chance to bond with each other again. Our class schedules aren’t that friendly to us. I seldom see him in the campus but when I do, great things happen; Butterflies would be around, flying with scents; Soft music would be playing on my psyche; Flowers would be falling from the sky. But all of a sudden, with just a snap, a blink of an eye, everything would go back to normal, watch him pass by me. Moments like this just rewind until the semester ends.

I was losing hope of going near him. Unexpectedly, on a hot summer afternoon, about 3 in the afternoon, I received an SMS from an unregistered number on my phone. Soon after, I knew it was him...
My little knowledge of who he was plus his unique messaging resulted to the formulation of an image, the image of my perfect man.

Fantasizing and giving other meanings to his texts supplemented my lacks- that is the desire of being with him whenever I want to.

Our first acquaintance-bonding was his retelling of a movie. I never expected he’d invite me to watch a movie in the movie house. By the time he asked me out, I abruptly said yes, no hesitations, no doubt.

I met him again. I looked at him closely. He’s very the same and so was the feeling. I wanted to hug him tight to feel his warmth yet a blanket of bashfulness covered the entire me and hindered me to do so. The movie started and I got to know him better in front of the cinema screen. I’ve got the pleasure of time watching him sleep in front of the cinema screen. Looking at him, his lips are very inviting yet I resisted the call of my flesh and redirected the window of my being to the big cinema screen. I closed my eyes and put my head on his shoulder wishing we’ll be meeting on a common dream.

A Letter To Pop

November 18, 1997

Dear Pop,
I wish you’ll forgive me Pop. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry Pop.

Yesterday, I went to Sue’s house. I fetched her. We are to watch a scary movie but her mind changed and she decided to stay. She said we’ll stay on her place. Her mom and dad are out for the business trip so we’re very free to do whatever we want. Looking at her eyes, I saw the fire in full blast. I flashed her a naughty smile, said “why not?”, and bit my lower lip.

Their house is quite big, just a duplex. . We stayed in their spacious living room. We spent our time playing scrabble, talking and talking. We got bored. Suddenly, she stood. She asked me to go upstairs, in her room. Flashing her white teeth, she was very inviting as she projected a very naughty smile. I tried to refuse but before I could speak, fire rush through my head and my body just followed her magnetic ways. She touched my lips with hers as we walked toward her room. She slowly unbuttoned my pants. She touched my hips and rolled her fingers on my back. She pushed the door with her rich butt but the door was locked so she stopped kissing me and fished the keys on her pockets. She opened the door and got in.

She unbuttoned her blouse as her sexy hips swayed. It seems like she’s drawing me nearer her. She kissed me. She took off her skirt. She laid me on her bed. I was perfectly stunned. I could feel my adrenaline flowed rapidly on my body. I then took of my shirt and pants as I felt the warmth of her body. I felt the heat of the moment as I screw and screw in to her.

That moment lasted for almost half an hour. I closed my eyes and sensationalized her presence. My mind ran so calmly. A single thought was the only on my mind. I finally found the girl whom I’ll spend my life with. I opened my eyes and I saw her charming face smiling as she slept. I again closed my eyes. A moment later, I was awaken by a sound of a dripping water outside her room. I rose to see what it was. I opened the door and the sunlight struck my eye. It was already 8 o’ clock in the morning. I turned back. I saw no one. She was already gone. I wondered where she could be. I called her but only thing I could hear back was my echo. I noticed that the house was very dusty. I looked at the stained mirror, which was still clear the night before. My heart was beating faster and faster. I almost run after my breath. I then fixed up. I got out of the house. I look back. To my surprise it looked so old, seemed an abandoned house for several years. I hurriedly hailed a taxi and gone home.

I got in my room. Mom handed me a letter. It was from Sue’s mom. It was dated October 9, 1997. But before I read the letter, I remembered Sue and I fought a month ago. We broke up because she has other guy. I didn’t mean to slap her that time...

“ She loves you very much. Why have you done that? You’re the only guy she ever loved. She’s dead. . . Why have you done that? “ the letter said.

I shed tears. My hands numbed. My sweat felt so cold. My conscience was going against me.

Pop, I killed her. I just can’t take it. She’s unfaithful. Pop, I killed her. I killed her.

By the time you’re reading this, I maybe dead too. She’s my life and the reason why I live.

I’m sorry .

Always faithful,
Jack