Love starts at the fifth tick of the second hand, notice it after five days, develops in five months and expires in five years. tolerable number of strikes.., five. Tolerable number of mistakes.., five it's THE RULE OF FIFTHS.

RomAntic Death


TWO in the morning, im still up. the dawn is breaking yet still my eyes are wide open. i cant sleep because it's too hot. my sweat rolls from my forehead and wets my pillow. i get up and come closer to the cold bars of the door. i glance at the hallway. it's dark yet i can see flashes of light, shadows and footsteps. i can hear people talking. i can hear them buzz.

I opened the door and i was surprised to a stranger sitting on my table. just before i could ask who he was, the principal arrived. He greeted me with "Ping, the books were delivered very late yesterday afternoon. i want you to check it to the stock room now and comeback soon after." After his instruction, i got out immediately.

"Good morning Teachers, i have come so early today to introduce our newly-hired computer facilitator". The principal announced with voice so loud audible inside the teacher's office and even outside the area. I was on my way to the stockroom and i haven't heard the name of the new faculty.

I got back to the office and i met the principal on his way out. he smiled and i did too. i told him that the books were complete and were ready to be distributed. he said his words and proceeded.

I came in the office and everybody was in conversation with the new faculty. Everybody seemed not to notice my presence.

After a while, teachers came to their classes soon after the bell has rung. the new faculty went to the comfort room. Miss Aia took the chance to talk to me. "Hi there ping," miss Aia greeted me with a smile. "Hello miss." and i did smile too."I guess you weren't here when John was introduced," she told with her tone, asking.

Who's John anyway?haha

"i wasn't here, but i guess he's the new faculty, sitting besibe my table..?"

The new faculty came in..."there you are John,"Miss Aia greeted him. "I want you to meet Coffee, she's an English teacher, you both are new here but she came in last semester.Coffee this is John."

We exhanged hellos and smiles. I noticed... he's cute.=)

He came closer heading to his table.


"Miss Coffee, is this yours?" John asked me picking an unused sanitary napkin beside my table. I looked at what he was holding.My eyes bulged... it was mine... I was to deny it but miss Aia already laughed so loudly. I just said yes and laughed a fake laugh. ha ha ha ha. I was so embarrassed. i felt my blood has rushed and painted my face red. the bell rang and the three of us already have our classes. "i'll go ahead ping," miss Aia said as she exited the office. I was fixing my records and plans when John approached and asked "Miss Coffee, shall you guide me to the computer rooms? i've been there once but i can't remember the way."


"Very timely, my class is at the AVR,. The computer rooms are adjacent to it. Come with me then. " I responded.

We walked out the office. I didnt want to make our first moment so dull so i talked and talked to him 'bout the school's facility and the like. He too talked but too little. He's quite quiet.


We arrived at our respective classrooms and we part ways. he looked at me... no, i gues the right term is, he stared at me and smiled before he came in. i too stared at and smiled at him. I came in the classroom with confusion.

i wasn't expecting John'd still be at the office. it's already too late,about 7:30pm when i came back from the stockroom. i was, for the second time, surprised when i got in there. I usually close the office because i'm the last person to leave.


"why are you still here?" I asked with wonders in my eyes.

"I waited for you" he answered. I then thought, is this what the stare meant??

I laughed and asked Why.

"we're just neighbors. i saw you passed by our house yesterday. since my class finished at 7pm, and yours at 7:15, i decided to wait for you, so i'll have company going home. That was a good idea, wasn't it?",he answered.

I smiled and said "is that so? or you're just afraid 'cause it's dark outside?"

He fainted "no, i'm not," he said with a streak of chill in his voice.

"Hahaha, i was just kidding" i laughed as i've seen his reaction.

"How come i haven't seen you? I've been here for a year." I asked

"I took my vacation at my mom's house for a year. I spent time with her because i wasn't with her a long time." he answered

I came to know him better as every morning we walk to school and every afternoon we walk home.


John was computer programmer who worked abroad for three years and he realized that he's called to be a teacher. So he went back to the Philippines and taught computer lessons in highschool.He was young. He was just an inch taller than i was. he's fair, he's cute. he's single, as i knew he was. I was 2 years younger than John. Soon after graduation, i hunted job and after a year i found one, here. An english teacher. i was single but has just gotten over from a heartbreak.

several days had passed and we mutually understood each other. I enjoyed his company and i gues he did too enjoyed mine.Three months had passed and still we're very good friends.Our relationship had grown fonder and I guess we're more than GOOD FRIENDS. I could say we're LOVERS with no commitment. We had shared significant events together. Every month, we celebrate the birth of our friendship.We've exchanged I love you's.

An early Saturday morn, we were having our tea session in a cafe when a friend of ours passed by. I called her, "Hi mitch!." She glanced back and waved. She paused and went to where we were. "What brought you here?" I asked.
"I'm Malou's wedding planner. . ." she talked endlessly as she usually does.
". . .wait, who's with you?"she asked me after her very long explanation of why she was there. I looked back to where Joe was seated. By then I noticed he was no longer there. "I'm with John." I said. "John?..." She was about to tell me something when one of her companies called her back. She said goodbye and "text you when I get home."
I smiled and said "yeah sure".

A moment had passed and John came back.

"Where have you been? Mitch was here a while ago."
"Really?, oh i went to the men's room. Tsk. I should have seen her."

i could see in his eyes that he was lying. But i never minded that.
we did the usual thing that day ; strolled around the park, watched a movie in the afternoon and a sweet walk-talk home.

As i arrived home, i checked my phone. I had seven missed calls from Mitch. I then called her.
"Hello, Mitch. . ."
We talked the whole night.
I cried the whole night.

twas Sunday morning and i was awaken by hard knocks on the front door.
I hurriedly opened the door and was surprised seeing John. He hugged me tightly. He was crying as he told me "I don't wanna marry her. I thought I loved her... I won't marry her. It's you that I want.You and you alone. Ping, Marry me. help me escape this trap i got into."

I was shocked with what happened. I was crying as as he was telling me those words.
having still the hurt he caused me, . . and hearing those words, I slapped him with all my might. I yelled at him "Is that how you murder our hearts? you guys are inhumane. "

I saw him cried in front of me.
with the look in his eyes, I then realized what i said was off my right.
I said sorry and hugged him back.

he kissed me. . . we made love.

John was in a relationship when I met him. He was engaged with Malou, a dear friend of mine in college.
He said he knew me even before i knew him. and he fell in love with me just even before i saw him. He communicated with Malou to get connected with me. but malou fell inlove with my sweet John. And for several years they've been friends.John was frustrated with my absence. he took the chance to make Malou his girl. in the long run they've decided to get married.
months before his wedding, he decided to enjoy his life as a bachelor so he got back to his hometown where i happen to find my job.And we met. . .


I enjoyed the moment with him in my room, in my bed. We shared the sweetness of each other the whole day, the whole night.

the new morn sky was greeted by the warm ray of sunshine. I hugged my sweet John but he's cold.

i listened to his heartbeat but i couldn't hear it.

I cry. . . holding the cold bars of my cell, remembering the cold body of my sweet John.
I scream, i scream, I scream.

a woman in white dress, having a white mini- sailboat on her head came in and grabbed my hand. "Shhh. Shhhh, It's Ok, " I can hear her tell me those words as she hurt me with her mosquito-like apparatus.

I feel dizzy and I close my eyes.

Pamakak


why can't i keep silent??

well, i was made with mouth so i could talk
I was made with voice to be heard
i was made with emotion to express.

why can't i keep a secret?

well, i was born with mouth to speak myself
i was born with voice to say the words of my heart
i was born with emotion to share affection

why can't i ignore words?

well, i was made with ears to hear
i was made senses to feel
i was made human with intelligence

why can't i disregard utterances?

well, i was born with ears to listen
i was born with senses to be aware
i was made human to understand

why can't i fib?

well, i was made innately good
i was made to tell truth
i was made to share reality

why can't i lie?

well... well... well... i was born with conscience to be guilty
i was born with superego to be upright
i was born with a good heart to be Honest


PS: pamakak is a visayan term for LYING. Lying is from the root word lie which means not to tell the truth.. to falsify words.


the Escape


beep beep..
the message alert tone woke me up
i fished my phone with my eyes closed, beside my pillow. . .
i read the message with my eyes half opened.
it says. . .
"..
good morning love life ko, ready ka na?
..."


this message sent on the second day of the first month of the year, a decade after millennium, twenty-three after eight was the signal of the breakout.

i wasn't that ready yet, but my heart told me i was... and in deed, i was.

our flight was scheduled beforehand on four in the afternoon but due to unpredictable circumstances, it was moved earlier by thirty after twelve...

i was in a boat of blue as i prepare myself for the flight. My hands were shaking,,, my lips shivered. i cant look into the eyes of my mom as she asked why am i too early to get back. she thought all along i'm going for school activity.

i packed my bags. i was off home by thirty after nine. i didn't look back nor waved goodbye. my eyes hurt seeing them happy and secured with my lies...
with my lies...

if they only knew...
"i'm not leaving... i just want to have a break... a break with someone who's extraordinarily special"

i arrived at the rendezvous by twenty five after two. i was late but he waited. seeing him faded my worries and doubts.
it takes to face fears to conquer it..

we took our travel.. the start of my.., his.., our sweet escape.

we lodged on a very cool place., away from the noise of people.. the noise of work.. the noise of school,. the noise of the CITY.

we stayed awake from dusk 'till dawn...
we danced under the moonlight... we gazed at the stars..

i felt the calm water by the lake.. the cool breeze that drew him to come close and let me feel his love. the coolness of the scene made me respond to the call of his heart...
I enjoyed my night with him.. i guess he did too.. NO!.. I know HE DID..

the morning had come.. twas another day.. still we lie together surrounded by each other's heed.
we took the chance to climb the stairway to heaven... but as we arrived the peak.. i realized my heaven was anywhere...
...Anywhere with him.

my escape.. the exodus out of chaos was made true because of him, my sanctuary..
i was too scared to take the step away from my comfort zone.. yet he made me realize that it takes some bad for satisfaction...it takes to risk to find happiness...

he held my hand with his. he stared at me.he never talked but i understood his looks saying "i wanna hold your hand as we walk downstairs" . Before we took a step down, he paused and smiled, looked at me again. he drew his face next to mine. he was about to kiss me when i fully opened my eyes and reread the message. it said

"good morning.. musta tulog?"
i smiled and fixed my bed up.

SA AKING MGA KAIBIGAN


to miss elegant...

-you're the very first friend i had in college. i could still remember the days, the hours we spent in my boarding house waiting for our next class. the sleeping time we shared..., the friendly competition we had in our General psychology subject... our studying together at the disselection room..haha.. i could almost draw tears everytime those memories would flash before my eyes. How did those moments end???
i really do not know.. we grew far from each other now.. i could almost say we're just mere acquaintances... but no... you are a friend...and forever be a friend.. i thank you for everything we've shared...
i'm sorry for my lapses..i'm sorry.. xin, i'm hoping to make up with you this comming year..


to goddess...
- you've been so good to me ... i appreciate how your concern reaches my heart.. they say you're indifferent..., but for me you're not... you are concerned...the problem is you blurt out words sometimes in an inappropriate manner...
i'm sorry. I walkedout yesterday,but i guess it was just right...
I was really hurt... I know, i have my responsibility. . . what i just want to hear from you upon asking if i could go ahead was just a statement that i need to stay. you need not to tell me sarcastically. . . i wwas really hurt...

i didn't know you're thinking "those things" about me... i felt it from your words...
i'm sorry to tell this.. but i guess you need to know that this wound you've caused me seem to heal in due time...not these days.

to sancha...
-you are really a sister to me.. you know how to discipline me the way that my feelings are not hurt and the way that i could understand things better. i thank you for everything...
words are not enough to show how i appreciate you... and my actions seem not to show mylove for you as a friend...
I'm sorry for my lapses.. i hope you wont grew tired guiding me in the direction of goodness and chastity... I was, i am and i will always be thankful to HIM of giving me a friend and a special person...

to knight...
-an ever deareast friend.. understands me,,, thankyou.

i know i've kept secrets on you and i really am secured 'till now that those beans i've poured on you won't spill....

i will forever treasure you as my friend.. i hope you'll keep me as yours the way i keep you...


to x-iniibig
-thankyou for letting me feel things i never wish to feel... you showed me that there are still honest people that exists.that there are people who changed for the people they love. i appreciate every moment we had since you've shifted in our course...and even before you did..hehe

to miss bouquet...
i appreciate your goodness to me. i really do. i hope you wont grew tired being my friend..
i say sorry for not letting you know the important things that has happened to me and is happening to me... i'l forever treasure you ji.. i've so blessed to have you amy friend..and keep being a blessing to persons you'll be meeting in the future.

to paradise..
to starbright
to madonna
to gorgeous...
tobe continued. . .

CARELESS WHISPERS


my wealth...
my strength...
my life...

these are the terms i considered the most accurate description of what my friends are...
they are always there...

a shoulder to cry on..
a clown to make me laugh...
an anti-drowse medicine that make me stay sane...
a large stone ready to knock me on my head to wake me up...
a sleeping pill when i need rest...
an embrace when i need comfort...
a hug when i need love...
a penny in my pocket when im hungry...

they are there to bear everything with me, on me and for me...
they are all i ever had and have...
yet still for the fact that they are my friends, the place they occupy in my heart is FRIENDSHIP...
i have longed for someone to fill the empty space inside this blood-pumping organ of mine..., my heart..

i came to meet someone ... someone i guess who's capable of filling up the empty space in me...

I started dating him just a month ago..
I felt every friend i have is against him...

i guess they're just right.. i have known him for just a short time..
i understand.. just imagine.. i kissed a stranger in front of the cinema screen.. a stranger i knew for just a week and a half .. ONLY.. ..hahaha.. sooo bad.

i should not feel choked..

I should not feel strangled... YET I DO..

their whisper of advices, whisper of concerns has different impact on my well-being..
I feel...
i feel so wrong.


their being too sensitive.. ahhhhhhhhhhh

i just can't tell them how i really feel..

i cant...

i do appreciate their parently love yet a part of my heart and a part of my mind revolt....

"Sometimes, I just can't tell anybody how i really fee, not because i don't know why,

not because i don't know my purpose,

not because I don't trust them,


but decause I can NEVER REALLY FIND the RIGHT WORDS to MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND... "







benefit of the doubt


'twas Saturday, the 7th of November.
an ordinary day I thought.
indeed, it was...
same old routine. school/seminar...

four o'clock in the afternoon we're about to leave the seminar when,. . . "I've got a feelin', that tonight's gonna be a good night" a friend of mine sang this line.
i laugh. . .and said, "really?. sige eh"

we exited because we have to prepare food for that night's activity.

it was about 8pm when we arrived at the venue of the activity that supposedly has started 6pm. I thought then, is this a good night?? hahaha... we're late...

the night ended and some of us went home but the most, planned to stay in a friend's house. just before we arrived there, another unfortunate event happened that caused everybody to panic, draw tears and to feel so unlucky.
Again i said... is this a good night??? haha confirmed a very GOOD night...='(

the dusk had come to and end and the dawn started breaking. everybody who had been in panic and worry started to feel tired. the chaos of their minds and emotions faded as the intensity of my heartbeat started to heighten.

i happen to notice, for that moment only, a fair man, not so tall, having a chubby face with a goatee who for in fact, has been in the company for that night. i happened to to look at him closely soon after our eyes met, seeing his eyebrows move the unusual way...

i ddn't know what had happened soon before i noticed, we're sitting on the same couch. as he massage my head with . . .ambot nu tawag sato...

soon after that night... we're closed... i cant take him off my mind..

i didnt know what i did or what he did.. i then found myself kissing him in front of the bigscreen... hahaha
it felt so wrong but i felt good enough to overthrow the wrongness i felt.. hahaha

i'm giving myself a favor...
i've been so empty for quite sometime, falling for girls, and falling for gays...

i've been so unfair with boys.. hahaha..
is it them to be blamed?? cause they can't blame me too...

now i'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt...
my life is too short to waste with disappointments and boubts..

=)



hope falls yet still hoping


Another day of hard work, another day of busy life was over.
I walk home in lonesomeness, seeing people pass by laughing. i walk in a very slow pace noticing people overtake me. 'twas a cold starless night.
I heard my phone rang. i fished the phone in my bag. Just before i could see who was calling, 'Battery Empty' was displayed on the screen of my phone and the ringing ended. I was so bothered who called.but soon after i arrived home, i figured out it was 'HIM'.
my heart has beaten differently this past few years whenever i receive messages from him. i get excited, happy, blooming and gay. I feel my blood rushing through my veins. my heart is full of something unexplainable. Complicated may this feeling seem, yet it felt good.
He is my long-admired guy.he's slender, brown-skinned, shiny-haired gorgeous 'julz'.
I have liked him ever since the day we first met. He has become my ideal/dream/right guy.
I have longed of him since the very first day we met.
we became friends, and i never thought, that's all we could ever be.
he has treated me more than a casual friend does. he calls me, and i feel he flirts at me.. that's how green i am,
interpreting simple ways of a sweet friendly man to a childish malicious gal, interpreting HIS ways to ME.
i was boosted with confidence and hopes as years pass that we still treat each other as though we're lovers.
i was a fool to think that it was like that."best friends" that's all we could ever be.

I charged my phone, a minute later my phone rang again. It was him."hello" i answered. and the conversation lasted for over 20 mins,
my hopes had rushed yet in a level of talking to a friend and not to a lover. I hesitated to talk but his voice was very inviting that i answer the usual way.

It can never be us, though he said possibility is on the way. I am losing my hope though I could still feel our intimacy.
i'm wishing this hope won't vanish until the it came the very day i ever wanted.
I was imprisoned in the thought that i and him be US. i had even told myself, "if not him, better not have any".
but i guess my heart had grown tired. yet still my little hopes lingers though it is gradually and eventually fading.

he said, goodnight and i did too. i still wear on my smile until the moment i close my eyes. . .
out nothing i said..."attract positive energy, just believe and everything will come true."