help me...!!!

Beauty of Prohibitions: bakit masarap ang bawal

Today's people is living in a taboo society in the eyes of our senior generations. I can't blame them for thinking of us as negative. I know we have different perspectives in life. As the scenes of everyday living in the city projects, we are living in a community of prohibitions and restrictions. and we seem to disobedient on the rules imposed to our faces. I am skin asthmatic. I live in a life of restrictions. I have this long long list of not to eat foods. NO PORK, CHOCOLATE, ICE CREAM, CAKE, PEANUTS!!! But still I'm thankful I could eat banana and papaya...haha!! all of those I've mentioned are just a few in my list, I just wrote my favorites. Sometimes i just can't feel living. I can't enjoy life with no spice, I mean I don't enjoy not enjoying my favorites..^^, At first I frequently give in to temptation of eating pork. It's yummy. Nothing tastes like PORK does.=) I sometimes eat chocolate....waaaahhhh. It's really my favorite, and it' be classic.Chocolate will always be chocolate. I'm also tempted to eat peanuts and when it calls, I answer it with a big YES!!. Why do I always give in to simple temptations? What if serious temptation calls? Shall I give in to them impulsively?? I guess just loose control when it comes to my ego...=) I am the unica ija of the family. I carry a great pressure on my shoulders. It'll be a great SHAME on my part and on my family's if I.. you know... get pregnant before i get married... or shall I say preggy without a husband... "eew.. disgusting."
Why is conception of a baby always go with the teenage relationship.. what I mean is getting pregnant in the stage of going steady...
I turned nineteen last year's november 18.
and I still feel that I'm too young to have a relationship.. whew...
my mom always remind me not to engage to that... haha.. but i did have a boyfriend before i turned 19..

it lasted only for a month and 5 deays...

during those days... I felt soooo guilty.
We kept our relationship from my parents, only my brother Den knew it.

In my blood runs the blood of being a spinster.. hehe.
my maternal and paternal granparents' sisters and brothers are spinsters,..
hehehe,,.. but if i'll be like them too, I'd be happy to share my first and only lovetale,,,..

the feeling of the sensation having in mind that you have done something wrong is sometimes good.
hehe.. that makes LIFE exciting, I guess,
It makes life worth living.. maybe a perfect life would be boring... What do you think?

maybe that's the beauty of imposing do's and don't's, imposing standards of living, and imposing what should and what shouldn't be.

doing things against the norms is drawing the feeling of GUILT, EXCITEMENT, SATISFACTION and lots of undefineable feling inside.

BAkit nga ba msarap ang hindi dapat?, ang bawal?
IT's not the being "BAWAL" that makes it beautiful and satisfying. It is the feeling of thrill, and excitement, with the spice of guilt brought by the fact that it is bawal.

tale untold... II

The break up was immediate... then we became friends again, few days after..

ms. magnet was there, but she never asked...
She was a witness of my fooloish love"kuno"story.. she was there... but I felt she understood and she diidn't asked about it..

Ms. magnet was a long time admirer of mr. nice guy...
She was obviously obssesed with him.. she was obviously doing things to seduce mr. nice guy...

between mr. mover and ms. magnet... everything was ok... I guess..
but in depth search of truth, I felt there's tension between them.. I guess because they both like mr. nice guy...

I was in all suport with ms. magnet... (I guess you'll be too if you're in my situation.,,=0)
I could say that i'm always VERY TRUE to her, but I can proudly announce that jst reflect what she does to me... I guess I do It to everyone??

our friendship is somehow deep,,,.. I guess??,
but as mr. nice guy accompany me always... I just don't if he always accompany me because he wanted to avoid mr. mover???,, I just don't know...
But The fact Is ... as I can see it, Mr. Mover avoids me in a ... I mean... In his simple ways...
the fact is.. he doesn't like me... well.. It's a good start for me then...


I said I won't be back to the chain of Hopeless romanticism...

But I guess I found myself to be THERE AGAIN...


i'm not in FAll with mr. nice guy.. but I'M feeling something different... a CRUSH I guess..,

I don't want this to be in the knowledge of my friend ms. magnet... but...

I DID TELL her.. hmmmm... maybe I'm that Honest...

now.. I'm in the chain again...


to be continued...

The Stranger OVER a Bottle

She’s a demure girl. She’s gentle and soft. She can’t even utter harsh words. She’s young. She’s beautiful as what she thinks. She’s intelligent as she appears to be. She’s curvaceous as her physical shape projects. She’s charming and cute as her girl friends say. She is but really simple, simplicity that almost defy her beauty, simplicity that almost decay her elegance.She's dark but pale. she's dark and spotted. she's seductive. she's dark that makes her sexy. she's dark that makes her insecure. her girl friends think she got everything except a beautiful skin.

Her story doesn’t seem to touch others. She seem very happy outside but others don't know how miserable she is inside. Goods and evils of the world are fighting in her heart. Those thoughts are locked up in her close mind and weak in. Her appearance is a contradictory of what she is. they don't know how she suffer every time she hear the appraisals of her girl friends. She should be thankful but she's doing the opposite. she doesn't know why she feels that way. It's maybe because her girl friends could appreciate her, the entire her, but the one she love the most does not. the one whom she offered her love doesn't know how to appreciate beauty in different angles and senses.

her friends are her strenght, a strenght almost as equal as what she get from her family, supportive and thoughtful. but her friends seem to be like her family then. they don't seem to understand her. she seem to be unreachable.everybody's close to her but everybody seem to be so far. she seem to be locked up in an invisible box that no one ever dare to unlock and save her from loneliness. not until she came to know a stranger.

She met a tall, slender, lonely stranger.And she came to know him better over a bottle of Generoso.
He's kind. he's cute. he's kind and he's kind.
He came across her life in the midst of he lonesomeness, amidst her heartaches. He was there before her lovetale started and he became the witness when they broke up. he was there, still there.

He's a stranger she came to know so well as days of the semester passed, getting to know each other over a bottle of Generoso. A stranger is no more a stranger. She explored the stranger's thoughts and insights, heart and longing over a bottle of Generoso. Masks of pretensions were stripped away and true identity was revealed over a bottle of Generoso. She recognize a friend and a true lover over a bottle of Generoso.
Everything started or will she say everything ended over a bottle of Generoso.

the moment has turned the girl into a true woman. the moment has transformed her into a new person. she didn't become bad. she just peeled off her not being "her". It was a start of a true her. but also a start of her true heartaches.

They talked over a bottle of alchohol. the stranger cracked some jokes and she laughed her heart out. she laughed and laughed. They got drunk. HE kissed HER. SHE kissed HIM.they KISSED. Their lips touched each other's and ignited. the moment was heated up.. They again requested for another bottle of Generoso. everything was just a rewind. they talked, they laughed, and they kissed. They kissed again and again, a kiss she can never forget, a kiss that haunts her everytime she remembers the moment, A KISS SHE FIRST HAD, a kiss she was thankful for.
She's greatful to know a man through a stranger over a bottle of alchohol. a stranger who will bring an endless smile to her, having in mind her UNforgettable kiss.

TALE UNTOLD...

It was summer 2007 when I came to know better this lovely person.
He's nice and handsome... but for others, He's pretty...


I first saw him 2nd sem SY2006-2007. I was struck by his deep brownish black eyes. In my sight they were sparkling.They were as graceful as the way he danced. They were lovely. By then I've got a crush on him. The seed of admiration had been sought in the soil of my wounded HEART. He's my Mr.MOVER.My mover I never expected to be with...
It was summer...It started.

It was summer when I busted my first official suitor. By that time too, my long-time agony of loving a person who doesn't even care was about to end... my love to Mr."musician" . But the hurt still lingers.. after summer...


It was summer when I thought tears won't moisten my cheeks anymore, but I was definitely WRONG...that was the beginning of another story of grief.
1st sem Sy07-08, MR. mover came really...really close to me.., after our "getting-to-know-summer ". I look at him... and I don't believe that someone would look... stare at him the way I do.
I wasn't in love yet... It's the feeling of security every time he's with me.. A feeling I could say, ONLY HIM could make me feel. Towards the end of the semester, I then realized I fall unexpectedly.Another tale came gradually. I chose to ignore it.. I choose to believe it's a lie... I choose to believe what I believe is true... But scenes flashed before my very eyes...
Then came a realization after the previous realization... my Mr. MOVER is unknown ... Unknown, unknown.. unknown..

It was summer when their affair sprouted from a seed of friendship... my Mr.mover and Mr. nice guy...

I could see his acts.. his looks... very deceiving... very ambiguous... for how many months.. I could interpret then what those mean..
I see myself trapped in a very complicated chain of hopeless romanticism. a chain I never imagined I'll be a part of...
I have decided to discontinue the foolishness of my naive blood-pumping HEART...


a year had passed.. we're on our 3rd year now... I guess every thing's OK ... but I was WRONG . . .
again.....

It was summer 2008 when I met MR. HYMN...
He was nice... very loving and thoughtful... he became my first REAL-LIFE LOVE TALE
. . . but every thing was ruined... I don't know.. there was a tragic change
he. . . I... went very... very.. very busy... no time... full of space...
He's so close... but seemed to be a miles away...
..We only reached our first monthsary... 5 days later, he broke up with me..
..I wish to hold him back.. but my conviction told me..."let him go...He doesn't deserve you...you'll find someone better"
...
during the time Mr.HYMN
was courting me... I felt something strange with my Mr.mover,..
He became sooooo sweet to me... sooooo thoughtful than ever before... to the extent that I thought he was courting me too... but that time, I've really decided to forget my feelings for him... my wasted effort of loving someone who loves somebody else... but I still am thankful... because I KNOW... he Cannot find on me What he had found on Mr. Nice guy.

The chain of Hopeless romanticism was brought out to life again when revelations of shocking stories was slapped before my cheeks...
I refused to believe .... but evidences were really obvious... seeing these evident evidences, willingly, I stepped out of the chain. And never wished to be part of it AGAIN...

Mr.mover has this friend... a gentleman of talents.. he's Mr. color
he nice and sweet... he's really huggable..
seeing Mr. nice guy made his heart beat ever different than before...
I don't know.. I thought things like those only happen in movies and films.. but no!!
they exist...

I have this friend.. A very pretty.. inside out... considerable true and ever NOT Plastic...
.. SHE is ms.MAGNET...
she's been the witness of my ups and downs...
magnet is different... I never had a friend as true as her...
she's my home... sometimes.. my strength..












to be continued...c",)

Unexpected FALL

He's close...
Very near that i could almost touch his nose... Thier nose..
i could never imagine i'm hanging out with these beautiful people...inside out
I get used to it.. the laughters they brought to my life... the confusion i wish i won't figure out.
i'll miss him.. I'll miss them...
too much for roaming around the bush.. my point is... behind all those friendly outs, those friendly conversation, those friendly hugs... i hve malice on my mind...
I faLL... and Im falling...

is it wrong to fall in love in several... ???
i get confused.. i'm rotting inside... i'm dying...

A Step Closer To The Edge

Am I prepared enough? When shall I be prepared?

My stay in college is getting shorter and shorter every passing day, which implies I'm learning more and more but what I feel is otherwise.

I envision myself in the future having at hand these experiences and "learnings" I've gained for 2 years in kindergarten, 6 years in elementary, 4 years in high school and 2 and a half years in college.I still can't say I'm ready to face the outside world, the world out of school.

I experienced stepping on the next stage of life before, when I enrolled and study for college but this anxiety I feel inside is entirely different. The "being uncomfortable" thought that almost haunt me every time I find myself alone is not like thinking of myself to be away from my family, but LOSING THEM., not just merely asking what course will i take up but HAVING A DECISION WHAT WILL I DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE., WHAT WILL I BECOME?

For how many years i stayed at school, I've come to ask, "HOW FAR HAVE I GONE?...and an answer sprung up my head with a company of realization..."I'VE GONE TOO NEAR".

a very long journey but only I HAVE GONE TOO NEAR from the starting point.

I'm getting nervous... to the extent that my tears would run down my cheeks and moisten my lips. I'm starting to think that I should have started doing my best from the time I enter college. I'm experiencing the feeling of regret, the feeling of dissatisfaction of what I have done with my life. I guess these thoughts are just but reminders for me that life is short and unpredictable, that life wants to lived in the full extent, that I should not wase everysingle of my life, that I should not waste every decision I may make...

A light of HOPE in disguise of miserable and anxios thoughts.. I then realized that I should be thankful that I have come to think of these though not early, at NOT TOO LATE ... I still have 2 YEARS AND A HALF TO PROVE MYSELF., Enough time to take another step, a step closer to my dream, to my aspirations., A step closer to the edge...