Unexpected FALL

He's close...
Very near that i could almost touch his nose... Thier nose..
i could never imagine i'm hanging out with these beautiful people...inside out
I get used to it.. the laughters they brought to my life... the confusion i wish i won't figure out.
i'll miss him.. I'll miss them...
too much for roaming around the bush.. my point is... behind all those friendly outs, those friendly conversation, those friendly hugs... i hve malice on my mind...
I faLL... and Im falling...

is it wrong to fall in love in several... ???
i get confused.. i'm rotting inside... i'm dying...

A Step Closer To The Edge

Am I prepared enough? When shall I be prepared?

My stay in college is getting shorter and shorter every passing day, which implies I'm learning more and more but what I feel is otherwise.

I envision myself in the future having at hand these experiences and "learnings" I've gained for 2 years in kindergarten, 6 years in elementary, 4 years in high school and 2 and a half years in college.I still can't say I'm ready to face the outside world, the world out of school.

I experienced stepping on the next stage of life before, when I enrolled and study for college but this anxiety I feel inside is entirely different. The "being uncomfortable" thought that almost haunt me every time I find myself alone is not like thinking of myself to be away from my family, but LOSING THEM., not just merely asking what course will i take up but HAVING A DECISION WHAT WILL I DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE., WHAT WILL I BECOME?

For how many years i stayed at school, I've come to ask, "HOW FAR HAVE I GONE?...and an answer sprung up my head with a company of realization..."I'VE GONE TOO NEAR".

a very long journey but only I HAVE GONE TOO NEAR from the starting point.

I'm getting nervous... to the extent that my tears would run down my cheeks and moisten my lips. I'm starting to think that I should have started doing my best from the time I enter college. I'm experiencing the feeling of regret, the feeling of dissatisfaction of what I have done with my life. I guess these thoughts are just but reminders for me that life is short and unpredictable, that life wants to lived in the full extent, that I should not wase everysingle of my life, that I should not waste every decision I may make...

A light of HOPE in disguise of miserable and anxios thoughts.. I then realized that I should be thankful that I have come to think of these though not early, at NOT TOO LATE ... I still have 2 YEARS AND A HALF TO PROVE MYSELF., Enough time to take another step, a step closer to my dream, to my aspirations., A step closer to the edge...

torn apart...happily

I can't understand the way i feel...
same is true with the thing that i could never understand the he felt...
i just cant reach his ways,,, I just can't explain how things happened..
what's wrong with me then??
or is it what's wrong with him??
...
the relationship started Oct11 2008... and it ended Nov162008... it's really a short time relationship... but honestly, I have never viewed myself being with him as my partner.....
I never expected we'd last for a month.. All i think is we'll be ending it 2 weeks...
hahahaha.. but you know... happy enough... "cause i could say i have my own experience... only thing that disappoints me... is that ... my F I R S T was never given J U S T I C E ...
=)

SHOUT OUT FOR MY LOVE

I was wrong when I entrusted you my heart.

I was wrong when I've fallen in love with you..

I was wrong when I thought you're honest.

I was wrong..and I guess,that's all it is....

I WAS WRONG..


..=(


BUT

I

hope

you'll

prove,

IN THE NEAR FUTURE...

that

I was wrong


to say.....I WAS WRONG...

Self_reliance

What is self-reliance? What is confidence? Do we need to know everything about something in order for us yo posses it? Do we need to have concrete definitions in order for us to execute?Partly YES, and the other part to make it completely true and a justifiable BIG YES is experience.
Confidence is powerful. And to be powerful is to trust yourself, to believe in what you think is true and right, and voicing out what runs through your head.Speak your mind. Your latent conviction for what is right for you will be true to the universe. Have a brave heart to express, to show off ,through that, you can be heard.
Believing in yourself is self-reliance. Having the guts is self reliance. Thinking the negative way is like having termites inside that slowly rot and eventually kill you from within. Why then despise yourself? We are equal. You can do whatever they can but not in the same way because you are special, WE... are special. no one does the way we do. You have power. TRUST and BELIEVE. It's energizing your muscles to move, lubricating your joints to jerk, and fueling the fire inside your heart to accomplish something.
TRUST is one of the keywords in understanding self- reliance. It's showing what you've got, being who you are and being TRUE. Why be like others? We are created unique with distinct features. We are blessed with GOD-GIVEN talents and strenghts. Can't you trust your GOD-GIVEN presents? Can't you believe in your CREATOR-GIVEN wisdom? These strengths and weaknesses were exclusively prepared for you and you alone.And those are subject to discovery and enhancement. Denial of your abilities simply shows that you do not appreciate what's in you.
Appreciation is another ingredient for self-trust. It uplifts your confidence. It magnifies your strenghts and minimizes your weaknesses. Learning to appreciate yourself and your worth, learning to inculcate to your mind that you are important and you are playing a very significant role in the society are of your great asset.
Positive self concept comes along with the word APPRECIATION. If you know and you think you can do it, you CAN do it. If you think you can't. then it speaks of reality, YOU CAN'T. It's a matter of attracting the positive energy.
As I read Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay on Self-reliance, I came to remember my conversation with a friend when were on the library's comfort room. I asked her "Rai, how do I look?," then she answered a short but worth pondering statement, " It's how you look at yourself". I realize then that seeing things you want them to be has a great contribution to What it really look like, thus heigthened your self concept.

HAIKU............... ko nih.. haha

Religion


expression of trust
true faith, committment and love
immeasurable




Guilt



unstoppable pain
rotting myself from within
as concience fights back




Unplanned


I said I love you
still I say I love you too
I love you it's true

What If...

What if . . .


... my head is in the position of my feet? Will my head have varicose veins?
...I get pregnant early?
...I fail in my Lit 131 class?
...I die now?
...I lost all my friends?
...I cry now? Will somebody comfort me? Will I commit suicide? Who will stop me? Who?
...What if I accidentally forget how to breathe? I burst out because of the pressure of being a teacher?.... imagine... it will only take one year and a half to become one...
What if I'm already a teacher? I'm teaching in a Japanese school with Japanese students and Japanese co teachers?? haha..
but What if I won't be employed after graduation?? What will I have for a living???


...What if I marry a drunkard? A 2-pack-of-cigarette per day smoker?...
.. What if my husband die before me??
....What if I lose control and make love with somebody in this early stage of my life? will I get pregnant?
..What if I stroll around the school having a very big belly with fetus inside?
... What if I marry someone who is unfaithful??... Why Am I thinking of these things?.. I'm just 18........!!
..What if I stop schooling? Will my life have a happy ending??
Will I have a better future?... How? In what way?? What will my family be??
... What if the person I love now doesn't really love me...?? What if I'm just imagining things to be true?
What if "I" only thinks of "us" and "he" thinks of only "him"?
What if he doesn't really care?...
The other way... What if I fail to give love back?? Will I be guilty??

What if when I go home I met an accident? Will somebody save me and rush me to the hospital?
What if I met a robber? a rapist? Will they kill me??



What if I am a prostitute? will I have many customers?
What if I make money with my Flesh? Will I generate more income rather than being a teacher?

What if I am a virgin no more? What If I'm a bitch? I go out with different guys every night and have sex with them relentlessly?...eeeeewww....
What if I enjoy having lots of boyfriends????

"what If I never knew... what if I never found 'you' "
Will my life be the same??
Will my heart still beat the it palpitate now???

What if I didn't came out from my mother's womb?? What if I wasn't conceived at all??? Will I see the beauty of the world??? Will the earth continue rotating and revolving without my presence??



What if I lost my sanity because of these what if's?
Where will I be now??

Where???...