...cinquain...

small shoe....big foot

2010-11-26T10:44:00.001-08:00

it really wont feet... hehehe..I mean.. fit.

life has always given us challenges to overcome to be better people...

The process is really hurting.. like lotus...

waahh.. soon to be finished...

NOYNOY... the inauguration

2010-07-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

Thirtieth day of June 2010 is a day very significant to every Filipino. This day is the inauguration of the son of heroes and nation-welfare defenders; the formal oath-taking of the ever beloved Noynoy; the official start of Benigno Aquino III as the president of the Philippines.

Benigno Aquino III has captured the ears, the eyes and hearts of Filipino people with his speech during the inauguration day. "Ngayon, sa araw na ito—dito magwawakas ang pamumunong manhid sa mga daing ng taumbayan." This day is the beginning. Of what ever it is, may it be the betterment of the whole nation.

The foremost duty not only of the of the newly inaugurated officials of the nation but also of the sovereign Filipino people is to lift the nation from poverty through honest and effective governance having the aims for quality education, improved public health services and a home for every family.

I took the chance to lift his exact words during the inauguration that inspired me and hoping to have inspired the Filipino people, "Ang unang hakbang ay ang pagkakaroon ng tuwid at tapat na hanay ng mga pinuno." Words like these from the person whom we entrust our future keep the fire of hope in every heart that still believes in reform which will start at root-cause of poverty.

We as citizens of the Philippines should not think that the ONLY key for development is just GOOD LEADERS. The Philippines needs the people: it's obedience with the law; trust and willingness to cope with change. As Noynoy said, "Hindi si Noynoy ang gumawa ng paraan, kayo ang dahilan kung bakit ngayon, magtatapos na ang pagtitiis ng sambayanan. Ito naman ang umpisa ng kalbaryo ko, ngunit kung marami tayong magpapasan ng krus ay kakayanin natin ito, gaano man kabigat."

The sole aim of his term of office is GOOD GOVERNANCE. And the only thing our president want us to do is to bear the cross with him. With that, no matter how heavy the cross is we will able to manage lifting it.It's not solely in the hands of Noynoy that our freedom from poverty and corruption depends upon. It's in the hands of every Filipino people.

"Inaanyayahan ko kayo ngayon na manumpa sa ating mga sarili, sa sambayanan, WALANG MAIIWAN"

President Noynoy has invited us in a journey to better life. Let us be responsive enough to answer the call to progress.

PAG-IBIG

2010-07-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

BY:BRAINWASH

Sa lahat ng nagawa
Ikaw lang ang tama sa buhay ko
Sa tulad ko di ko ikinakaila
Marami ng nakilala kaliwa’t kanan
Doon dyaan
Pero sayo naramdaman
At sayo natagpuan

Refrain
Ang lumuha ng nakatawa kapantay ay langit sinta
Di makapaniwala na tayo na
At pinagpala ni Bathala
Na maging tayong dal’wa
Ganito pala ang umibig
Ang sarap pala

Di, di ko ipagpapalit
Mga kwentuhang nabanggit
Sikreto mo sikreto ko
Tungkol sa magulong mundo
At tinuruan mo ako
Anong mali anong hindi
At sayo naramdaman
Sa ‘yo natagpuan

Repeat Refrain
Adlib

At kung ika’y mawawala
Hindi na ko magmamahal ng totoo ng ganito
Dahil walang katulad mo
Ikay nag-iisang anyo sa puso ko
Panalangin ko
At sa’yo lang sumaya
Sa ‘yo lang nadama
Repeat chorus except last line

Ganito palang umibig
Ganito palang umibig
Ang sarap pala

ang sagot sa sagot...=)

2010-04-15T02:54:00.000-07:00

wala?????...

ah.. u got the question not the way i want you to perceive it... what i mean was ... asking you if there's something i should look forward to between us... u got me in a different way... yet still i was hooked with your looks and though i already know i dont have something to grip on "us"... i still opted to stay hoping til the seed of what i planted sprouts.....
but that's over now... =)

you're mine now.. and i won't let things bring us apart... you're mine now and that's all ive ever wanted....=)

kaibigang ka-ibigan

2010-03-06T04:20:00.000-08:00

Mag aapat na buwan na ang nkalilipas nang ang aking "walang hanggan " ay nagsimula. Di ko lubos maisip na ang usapang magdamag ay magbubunga ng wagas na pag ibig(etchoz).

ako'y papauwi na mula sa aking petsa(date) ng aking maalala ang mga pangyayari . . .

npangiti ako sa tuwa at galak . . .sandali maari ba akong mg lipat ng channel? este ng lingwahe???.. salamat..

a smile is painted in my face the moment i say 'bye, see yah..' and the feeling of excitement thinking that i'l be seeing him again...and again.. and again,,

I am hoping to be with him 'til I breathe my last breath, 'til i take my last walk.

__________________________under CONSTRUCTION_______________________

song of Masha

2010-01-28T18:53:00.000-08:00

I wanted you to stay,
The tears began to show,
You said you care for me,
But then you have to go
And now I know, you're gone.

I don't want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of you.
I don't want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
'Cause I don't wanna feel the pain in my heart
-pain in my heart by zoo

It started so good.. it started so fun... Love has embraced us and made us one..

Together we faced every challenge that crossed our paths... We shared every laughter and every victory.. we conquered every hardship and trial...I thought of us 'together forever'... yet..I Was wrong...

a disaster came and ruined the foundation of everything we shared for years...

i guess five years is a very long story to be told... five years of sweet memories... can be so used to taste... but my heart and mind are already conditioned that he was, he is, and he will forever be my man... that conditioning...has been trashed by an unpredictable affliction.

It wasn't his intention to leave me drowning in tears... nor my intention to be left by him close-fisted and hurt..

It was a catastrophic event i wished to have never come....

LOVE LEFT US...

that's it...

I don't want to feel the pain in my heart... yet still I reminisce every day of our lovetale... in my room, i feel his presence... I can't escape his eyes...

In my bed i feel cold... Coldness that was before a heat of love...

I miss him.. thoughts of him still linger in my memory...

yet i have to eventually say goodbye to those and say hello to a new beginning...

now..

I don't want to remember,
The things we used to do,
All the things that remind me of him.
I don't want to hear those songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
'Cause I don't wanna feel the pain in my heart

bye..bye love..hahaha ='(

RomAntic Death

2010-01-12T05:06:00.001-08:00

TWO in the morning, im still up. the dawn is breaking yet still my eyes are wide open. i cant sleep because it's too hot. my sweat rolls from my forehead and wets my pillow. i get up and come closer to the cold bars of the door. i glance at the hallway. it's dark yet i can see flashes of light, shadows and footsteps. i can hear people talking. i can hear them buzz.

I opened the door and i was surprised to a stranger sitting on my table. just before i could ask who he was, the principal arrived. He greeted me with "Ping, the books were delivered very late yesterday afternoon. i want you to check it to the stock room now and comeback soon after." After his instruction, i got out immediately.

"Good morning Teachers, i have come so early today to introduce our newly-hired computer facilitator". The principal announced with voice so loud audible inside the teacher's office and even outside the area. I was on my way to the stockroom and i haven't heard the name of the new faculty.

I got back to the office and i met the principal on his way out. he smiled and i did too. i told him that the books were complete and were ready to be distributed. he said his words and proceeded.

I came in the office and everybody was in conversation with the new faculty. Everybody seemed not to notice my presence.

After a while, teachers came to their classes soon after the bell has rung. the new faculty went to the comfort room. Miss Aia took the chance to talk to me. "Hi there ping," miss Aia greeted me with a smile. "Hello miss." and i did smile too."I guess you weren't here when John was introduced," she told with her tone, asking.

Who's John anyway?haha

"i wasn't here, but i guess he's the new faculty, sitting besibe my table..?"

The new faculty came in..."there you are John,"Miss Aia greeted him. "I want you to meet Coffee, she's an English teacher, you both are new here but she came in last semester.Coffee this is John."

We exhanged hellos and smiles. I noticed... he's cute.=)

He came closer heading to his table.

"Miss Coffee, is this yours?" John asked me picking an unused sanitary napkin beside my table. I looked at what he was holding.My eyes bulged... it was mine... I was to deny it but miss Aia already laughed so loudly. I just said yes and laughed a fake laugh. ha ha ha ha. I was so embarrassed. i felt my blood has rushed and painted my face red. the bell rang and the three of us already have our classes. "i'll go ahead ping," miss Aia said as she exited the office. I was fixing my records and plans when John approached and asked "Miss Coffee, shall you guide me to the computer rooms? i've been there once but i can't remember the way."

"Very timely, my class is at the AVR,. The computer rooms are adjacent to it. Come with me then. " I responded.

We walked out the office. I didnt want to make our first moment so dull so i talked and talked to him 'bout the school's facility and the like. He too talked but too little. He's quite quiet.

We arrived at our respective classrooms and we part ways. he looked at me... no, i gues the right term is, he stared at me and smiled before he came in. i too stared at and smiled at him. I came in the classroom with confusion.

i wasn't expecting John'd still be at the office. it's already too late,about 7:30pm when i came back from the stockroom. i was, for the second time, surprised when i got in there. I usually close the office because i'm the last person to leave.

"why are you still here?" I asked with wonders in my eyes.

"I waited for you" he answered. I then thought, is this what the stare meant??

I laughed and asked Why.

"we're just neighbors. i saw you passed by our house yesterday. since my class finished at 7pm, and yours at 7:15, i decided to wait for you, so i'll have company going home. That was a good idea, wasn't it?",he answered.

I smiled and said "is that so? or you're just afraid 'cause it's dark outside?"

He fainted "no, i'm not," he said with a streak of chill in his voice.

"Hahaha, i was just kidding" i laughed as i've seen his reaction.

"How come i haven't seen you? I've been here for a year." I asked

"I took my vacation at my mom's house for a year. I spent time with her because i wasn't with her a long time." he answered

I came to know him better as every morning we walk to school and every afternoon we walk home.

John was computer programmer who worked abroad for three years and he realized that he's called to be a teacher. So he went back to the Philippines and taught computer lessons in highschool.He was young. He was just an inch taller than i was. he's fair, he's cute. he's single, as i knew he was. I was 2 years younger than John. Soon after graduation, i hunted job and after a year i found one, here. An english teacher. i was single but has just gotten over from a heartbreak.

several days had passed and we mutually understood each other. I enjoyed his company and i gues he did too enjoyed mine.Three months had passed and still we're very good friends.Our relationship had grown fonder and I guess we're more than GOOD FRIENDS. I could say we're LOVERS with no commitment. We had shared significant events together. Every month, we celebrate the birth of our friendship.We've exchanged I love you's.

An early Saturday morn, we were having our tea session in a cafe when a friend of ours passed by. I called her, "Hi mitch!." She glanced back and waved. She paused and went to where we were. "What brought you here?" I asked.

"I'm Malou's wedding planner. . ." she talked endlessly as she usually does.

". . .wait, who's with you?"she asked me after her very long explanation of why she was there. I looked back to where Joe was seated. By then I noticed he was no longer there. "I'm with John." I said. "John?..." She was about to tell me something when one of her companies called her back. She said goodbye and "text you when I get home."

I smiled and said "yeah sure".

A moment had passed and John came back.

"Where have you been? Mitch was here a while ago."

"Really?, oh i went to the men's room. Tsk. I should have seen her."

i could see in his eyes that he was lying. But i never minded that.

we did the usual thing that day ; strolled around the park, watched a movie in the afternoon and a sweet walk-talk home.

As i arrived home, i checked my phone. I had seven missed calls from Mitch. I then called her.

"Hello, Mitch. . ."

We talked the whole night.

I cried the whole night.

twas Sunday morning and i was awaken by hard knocks on the front door.

I hurriedly opened the door and was surprised seeing John. He hugged me tightly. He was crying as he told me "I don't wanna marry her. I thought I loved her... I won't marry her. It's you that I want.You and you alone. Ping, Marry me. help me escape this trap i got into."

I was shocked with what happened. I was crying as as he was telling me those words.

having still the hurt he caused me, . . and hearing those words, I slapped him with all my might. I yelled at him "Is that how you murder our hearts? you guys are inhumane. "

I saw him cried in front of me.

with the look in his eyes, I then realized what i said was off my right.

I said sorry and hugged him back.

he kissed me. . . we made love.

John was in a relationship when I met him. He was engaged with Malou, a dear friend of mine in college.

He said he knew me even before i knew him. and he fell in love with me just even before i saw him. He communicated with Malou to get connected with me. but malou fell inlove with my sweet John. And for several years they've been friends.John was frustrated with my absence. he took the chance to make Malou his girl. in the long run they've decided to get married.

months before his wedding, he decided to enjoy his life as a bachelor so he got back to his hometown where i happen to find my job.And we met. . .

I enjoyed the moment with him in my room, in my bed. We shared the sweetness of each other the whole day, the whole night.

the new morn sky was greeted by the warm ray of sunshine. I hugged my sweet John but he's cold.

i listened to his heartbeat but i couldn't hear it.

I cry. . . holding the cold bars of my cell, remembering the cold body of my sweet John.

I scream, i scream, I scream.

a woman in white dress, having a white mini- sailboat on her head came in and grabbed my hand. "Shhh. Shhhh, It's Ok, " I can hear her tell me those words as she hurt me with her mosquito-like apparatus.

I feel dizzy and I close my eyes.

Pamakak

2010-01-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

why can't i keep silent??

well, i was made with mouth so i could talk

I was made with voice to be heard

i was made with emotion to express.

why can't i keep a secret?

well, i was born with mouth to speak myself

i was born with voice to say the words of my heart

i was born with emotion to share affection

why can't i ignore words?

well, i was made with ears to hear

i was made senses to feel

i was made human with intelligence

why can't i disregard utterances?

well, i was born with ears to listen

i was born with senses to be aware

i was made human to understand

why can't i fib?

well, i was made innately good

i was made to tell truth

i was made to share reality

why can't i lie?

well... well... well... i was born with conscience to be guilty

i was born with superego to be upright

i was born with a good heart to be Honest

PS: pamakak is a visayan term for LYING. Lying is from the root word lie which means not to tell the truth.. to falsify words.

the Escape

2010-01-03T01:13:00.000-08:00

beep beep..
the message alert tone woke me up
i fished my phone with my eyes closed, beside my pillow. . .
i read the message with my eyes half opened.
it says. . .
"..good morning love life ko, ready ka na?..."

this message sent on the second day of the first month of the year, a decade after millennium, twenty-three after eight was the signal of the breakout.

i wasn't that ready yet, but my heart told me i was... and in deed, i was.

our flight was scheduled beforehand on four in the afternoon but due to unpredictable circumstances, it was moved earlier by thirty after twelve...

i was in a boat of blue as i prepare myself for the flight. My hands were shaking,,, my lips shivered. i cant look into the eyes of my mom as she asked why am i too early to get back. she thought all along i'm going for school activity.

i packed my bags. i was off home by thirty after nine. i didn't look back nor waved goodbye. my eyes hurt seeing them happy and secured with my lies...

with my lies...

if they only knew...

"i'm not leaving... i just want to have a break... a break with someone who's extraordinarily special"

i arrived at the rendezvous by twenty five after two. i was late but he waited. seeing him faded my worries and doubts.

it takes to face fears to conquer it..

we took our travel.. the start of my.., his.., our sweet escape.

we lodged on a very cool place., away from the noise of people.. the noise of work.. the noise of school,. the noise of the CITY.

we stayed awake from dusk 'till dawn...

we danced under the moonlight... we gazed at the stars..

i felt the calm water by the lake.. the cool breeze that drew him to come close and let me feel his love. the coolness of the scene made me respond to the call of his heart...

I enjoyed my night with him.. i guess he did too.. NO!.. I know HE DID..

the morning had come.. twas another day.. still we lie together surrounded by each other's heed.

we took the chance to climb the stairway to heaven... but as we arrived the peak.. i realized my heaven was anywhere...

...Anywhere with him.

my escape.. the exodus out of chaos was made true because of him, my sanctuary..

i was too scared to take the step away from my comfort zone.. yet he made me realize that it takes some bad for satisfaction...it takes to risk to find happiness...

he held my hand with his. he stared at me.he never talked but i understood his looks saying "i wanna hold your hand as we walk downstairs" . Before we took a step down, he paused and smiled, looked at me again. he drew his face next to mine. he was about to kiss me when i fully opened my eyes and reread the message. it said

"good morning.. musta tulog?"

i smiled and fixed my bed up.

SA AKING MGA KAIBIGAN

2009-12-19T21:53:00.000-08:00

to miss elegant...

-you're the very first friend i had in college. i could still remember the days, the hours we spent in my boarding house waiting for our next class. the sleeping time we shared..., the friendly competition we had in our General psychology subject... our studying together at the disselection room..haha.. i could almost draw tears everytime those memories would flash before my eyes. How did those moments end???
i really do not know.. we grew far from each other now.. i could almost say we're just mere acquaintances... but no... you are a friend...and forever be a friend.. i thank you for everything we've shared...
i'm sorry for my lapses..i'm sorry.. xin, i'm hoping to make up with you this comming year..

to goddess...
- you've been so good to me ... i appreciate how your concern reaches my heart.. they say you're indifferent..., but for me you're not... you are concerned...the problem is you blurt out words sometimes in an inappropriate manner...
i'm sorry. I walkedout yesterday,but i guess it was just right...
I was really hurt... I know, i have my responsibility. . . what i just want to hear from you upon asking if i could go ahead was just a statement that i need to stay. you need not to tell me sarcastically. . . i wwas really hurt...

i didn't know you're thinking "those things" about me... i felt it from your words...
i'm sorry to tell this.. but i guess you need to know that this wound you've caused me seem to heal in due time...not these days.

to sancha...
-you are really a sister to me.. you know how to discipline me the way that my feelings are not hurt and the way that i could understand things better. i thank you for everything...
words are not enough to show how i appreciate you... and my actions seem not to show mylove for you as a friend...
I'm sorry for my lapses.. i hope you wont grew tired guiding me in the direction of goodness and chastity... I was, i am and i will always be thankful to HIM of giving me a friend and a special person...

to knight...
-an ever deareast friend.. understands me,,, thankyou.

i know i've kept secrets on you and i really am secured 'till now that those beans i've poured on you won't spill....

i will forever treasure you as my friend.. i hope you'll keep me as yours the way i keep you...

to x-iniibig
-thankyou for letting me feel things i never wish to feel... you showed me that there are still honest people that exists.that there are people who changed for the people they love. i appreciate every moment we had since you've shifted in our course...and even before you did..hehe

to miss bouquet...
i appreciate your goodness to me. i really do. i hope you wont grew tired being my friend..
i say sorry for not letting you know the important things that has happened to me and is happening to me... i'l forever treasure you ji.. i've so blessed to have you amy friend..and keep being a blessing to persons you'll be meeting in the future.

to paradise..
to starbright
to madonna
to gorgeous...
tobe continued. . .

CARELESS WHISPERS

2009-12-14T04:48:00.000-08:00

my wealth...

my strength...

my life...

these are the terms i considered the most accurate description of what my friends are...

they are always there...

a shoulder to cry on..

a clown to make me laugh...

an anti-drowse medicine that make me stay sane...

a large stone ready to knock me on my head to wake me up...

a sleeping pill when i need rest...

an embrace when i need comfort...

a hug when i need love...

a penny in my pocket when im hungry...

they are there to bear everything with me, on me and for me...

they are all i ever had and have...

yet still for the fact that they are my friends, the place they occupy in my heart is FRIENDSHIP...

i have longed for someone to fill the empty space inside this blood-pumping organ of mine..., my heart..

i came to meet someone ... someone i guess who's capable of filling up the empty space in me...

I started dating him just a month ago..

I felt every friend i have is against him...

i guess they're just right.. i have known him for just a short time..

i understand.. just imagine.. i kissed a stranger in front of the cinema screen.. a stranger i knew for just a week and a half .. ONLY.. ..hahaha.. sooo bad.

i should not feel choked..

I should not feel strangled... YET I DO..

their whisper of advices, whisper of concerns has different impact on my well-being..

I feel...

i feel so wrong.

their being too sensitive.. ahhhhhhhhhhh

i just can't tell them how i really feel..

i cant...

i do appreciate their parently love yet a part of my heart and a part of my mind revolt....

"Sometimes, I just can't tell anybody how i really fee, not because i don't know why,

not because i don't know my purpose,

not because I don't trust them,

but decause I can NEVER REALLY FIND the RIGHT WORDS to MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND... "

benefit of the doubt

2009-12-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

'twas Saturday, the 7th of November.

an ordinary day I thought.

indeed, it was...

same old routine. school/seminar...

four o'clock in the afternoon we're about to leave the seminar when,. . . "I've got a feelin', that tonight's gonna be a good night" a friend of mine sang this line.

i laugh. . .and said, "really?. sige eh"

we exited because we have to prepare food for that night's activity.

it was about 8pm when we arrived at the venue of the activity that supposedly has started 6pm. I thought then, is this a good night?? hahaha... we're late...

the night ended and some of us went home but the most, planned to stay in a friend's house. just before we arrived there, another unfortunate event happened that caused everybody to panic, draw tears and to feel so unlucky.

Again i said... is this a good night??? haha confirmed a very GOOD night...='(

the dusk had come to and end and the dawn started breaking. everybody who had been in panic and worry started to feel tired. the chaos of their minds and emotions faded as the intensity of my heartbeat started to heighten.

i happen to notice, for that moment only, a fair man, not so tall, having a chubby face with a goatee who for in fact, has been in the company for that night. i happened to to look at him closely soon after our eyes met, seeing his eyebrows move the unusual way...

i ddn't know what had happened soon before i noticed, we're sitting on the same couch. as he massage my head with . . .ambot nu tawag sato...

soon after that night... we're closed... i cant take him off my mind..

i didnt know what i did or what he did.. i then found myself kissing him in front of the bigscreen... hahaha

it felt so wrong but i felt good enough to overthrow the wrongness i felt.. hahaha

i'm giving myself a favor...

i've been so empty for quite sometime, falling for girls, and falling for gays...

i've been so unfair with boys.. hahaha..

is it them to be blamed?? cause they can't blame me too...

now i'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt...

my life is too short to waste with disappointments and boubts..

hope falls yet still hoping

2009-09-27T06:12:00.001-07:00

Another day of hard work, another day of busy life was over.

I walk home in lonesomeness, seeing people pass by laughing. i walk in a very slow pace noticing people overtake me. 'twas a cold starless night.

I heard my phone rang. i fished the phone in my bag. Just before i could see who was calling, 'Battery Empty' was displayed on the screen of my phone and the ringing ended. I was so bothered who called.but soon after i arrived home, i figured out it was 'HIM'.

my heart has beaten differently this past few years whenever i receive messages from him. i get excited, happy, blooming and gay. I feel my blood rushing through my veins. my heart is full of something unexplainable. Complicated may this feeling seem, yet it felt good.

He is my long-admired guy.he's slender, brown-skinned, shiny-haired gorgeous 'julz'.

I have liked him ever since the day we first met. He has become my ideal/dream/right guy.

I have longed of him since the very first day we met.

we became friends, and i never thought, that's all we could ever be.

he has treated me more than a casual friend does. he calls me, and i feel he flirts at me.. that's how green i am,

interpreting simple ways of a sweet friendly man to a childish malicious gal, interpreting HIS ways to ME.

i was boosted with confidence and hopes as years pass that we still treat each other as though we're lovers.

i was a fool to think that it was like that."best friends" that's all we could ever be.

I charged my phone, a minute later my phone rang again. It was him."hello" i answered. and the conversation lasted for over 20 mins,

my hopes had rushed yet in a level of talking to a friend and not to a lover. I hesitated to talk but his voice was very inviting that i answer the usual way.

It can never be us, though he said possibility is on the way. I am losing my hope though I could still feel our intimacy.

i'm wishing this hope won't vanish until the it came the very day i ever wanted.

I was imprisoned in the thought that i and him be US. i had even told myself, "if not him, better not have any".

but i guess my heart had grown tired. yet still my little hopes lingers though it is gradually and eventually fading.

he said, goodnight and i did too. i still wear on my smile until the moment i close my eyes. . .

out nothing i said..."attract positive energy, just believe and everything will come true."

undefined

2009-08-29T05:20:00.000-07:00

I've known her for quite some time. She's a girl with a sweet smile, the girl with great, head-turner physique. She's gorgeous, really gorgeous.

I've been with her for quite so long now. I spend most of my time with her. She knows almost everything about me; my birthday, favorite colors, health status, favorite past time, my crushes, my-one-and-only-love, my first heartbreak, my second heartbreak and maybe my next heartbreaks...

she's my ever dearest friend since I've stepped into college.She's there whenever i needed someone to talk to, someone to understand my foolishness. she was the only girl who had convinced me that i am loved. she was the only person whom i could pour on my feelings and emotions, the only person whom i can trust with my darkest, my most daring secrets. but this time, i guess she shouldn't know this feeling; she shouldn't know this longing; she shouldn't know this foolish infatuation.

it was summer when i first felt this crazy strange feeling. my eyes suddenly met hers in the middle of the day.The sun's shining up high when a ray of an eccentric light struck her eye, i saw a peculiar a spark. Her aura seemed to caught and never freed my attention.

i am now troubled and confused. Am i still me? Have I lost my sanity?

i look at her, i fake a smile to hide my aches and pains.

i look at her, i pretend I'm OK...

i smile.. i laugh..

she's the girl of my dreams...

how can i face her??

how long can i keep this??

this is the only confession I'll try not to let her know... but i guess she's smart enough to figure out that whom i refer to is HER. I should have read the signs. . . I should have been careful with these signs...

this is the strangest, craziest, skull-cracking maze I've ever entered...

I'm falling in love with her...

I am MariaJoLisa. . . a girl full of hopes and dreams yet . . .

trapped with her, with her gorgeous looks, with her irresistible smile...

NEVER TO TRUST LADS AGAIN

2009-06-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

as in...

life indeed circles in trust

Yet The foundation of my trust has ruined.

Thank you for making me realize that I, We, Girls, CAN NEVER TRUST YOU...

you still stick on your typical you.... your nature will always be like that and whatever happens, you'll never violate that nature.

I guess I was wrong...

I am wrong...

And it will always be wrong...

keep the good work you bull shit...

you really are good in hiding your true you...

YOU"VE GOT THE BEST MASK EVER...

On the Other side of the Road

2009-05-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

Trix, an intelligent weirdo, was on her way to school. She didn’t seem to be excited though it’s her first day on a university. She’s a fresh high school graduate entering a wider world, the world of college beings.

She was walking alone. Everybody seemed to be avoiding her. She wore a long skirt, just an inch above her ankle; topped with a blouse having long sleeves, just an inch below her elbow; with round reading glasses having black frame.
She walked in the classroom. Everybody was hesitant to talk to her. This scenario is not more unusual for her. She was used to that type of dealing with people. She opted to isolate herself and talked to no one.

She is every time alone.

Her house, just a few blocks away from school, looks so lonely like her ocean blue eyes. It’s quite big, full of glamorous furniture, glittering chandeliers and expensive decorations yet EMPTY, empty of life, empty of colour, and empty of love.
She was empty but not until one day...

On a sunny morning, Trix was in a hurry. The bell has rung and she hasn’t left their house yet. She was in a fast pace as she walked. On her rush, she bumped a young man of 19, riding on a bicycle heading on the same direction. Trix stumbled on the other side of the road’s intersection. She fainted and lost her breath for a moment.

“Miss..., miss..., are you ok?” the young man was constantly tapping her shoulders. He fainted and decided to carry Trix on her arms and bring her to the hospital. Just before he got a taxi, Trix opened her eyes, seemed to be catching her breath. The young man uttered, “miss, I’m gonna take you to the hospital.” “No, I’m gonna be late for my 9am class, I’m ok, I’m ok,” Trix responded.

“I insist”

“No please...”

The young man let her down and let her walk. But as Trix took few steps, she collapsed feeling her lower limbs shaking. The young man offered help and Trix couldn’t refuse the young man’s offer anymore.

“I’m Drew, and you are..?” the young man asked her politely as they were on their way to school. “I’m Trix.” She answered with a sweet smile on her lips.
That event was the start of their romantic love tale.

Trix’s life brightened because of Drew. Since the day Drew stepped into her world, everything changed. Drew has altered her monotony. She fell so deep in love with him, making him the centre of everything. Trix was WILLING TO GIVE EVERYTHING for her one and only, her only hero her savior from the vast ocean of hatred, anger and despise.
She was then grateful of having Drew.By that moment; HER GREATEST FEAR is TO LOSE DREW.

ON their first month, her gift to Drew was her WHOLENESS, HERSELF naked. She was SEVENTEEN then, too young, inexperienced.

Months later, Drew never showed up. He’s missing, gone with the wind. His friends were worried, concerned of where might he be. They wanted to talk to Trix but her heart was full of a mixture of anger and guilt so she didn’t showed up.

AT THE BALCONY of the house, an old woman of 57 is holding a photograph of a teenage couple, a 17-year old girl and a 19-year old guy. The woman is closely looking at the photo with tears running down her cheeks and silently whispers in grief these words: “I shouldn’t have done that. ,..I shouldn’t have done that.” She closes her eyes and embraces the OLD PHOTOGRAPH. Scenes of the past flash before her pressed eyes.

She CONCEIVED yet refused to be a mother.

She wanted to live her life with DREW ALONE.

“Babe, I was pregnant, but I got rid of the child before everybody would know,
Babe, we can life alone, just the two of us.” She uttered with a chilling voice.

Drew was shocked with what he had just heard. He remained expressionless and suddenly after a moment he burst into tears and ran away with no direction.

Trix followed him after a moment of tears. As she stepped outside their door, she saw people rushing to the corner of the street. They were heading to a man bathed with blood lifeless on the other side of the road...

She drowned in tears realizing that the bloody man on the other side of the road was her one and only DREW.

A walk to realization

2009-05-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

I was walking. I looked around. I felt the cool wind touched my cheeks, the cool wind that blew my wavy hair. My eyes roamed and saw the well-trimmed grasses. I smelled the aroma of the newly cut leaves. It was soothing and relaxing. I extended my arms, closed my eyes and drew a full yawn. As I open my eyes, I marvelled at the gorgeous appeal of nature to me that day. The feeling was strange but it was good. I looked up the sky and thanked. I thank for every organism my eyes could glance at, for everything that exist.

I continued walking along the corridor in front of the lined up classrooms, facing the grass field. I touched the walls of the classroom as I pass by. The coolness of the walls penetrated my hand and soon after reached my elbows. I felt nature has given me, us, the very best. I perceived everything was carefully and lovingly prepared just for me, for me to enjoy and to reflect on. I suddenly I uttered, “Life is indeed beautiful beyond reasonable doubts”

I continued walking, everything I see, I praised truly and sincerely. I admired everything. I didn’t notice I was heading to the lady’s comfort room. I was feeling well but something’s pulling me to get in. I walked in the comfort room. Few steps from the doorway, I heard the drippings of the water from a half closed faucet. I can’t explain why those drops of water seemed to have rhythm in my psyche. ‘tadada dada da..’ was my sudden utterance. I noticed the huge mirror on my right. I turned and saw my reflection. I studied every detail of my being, from my eyelashes, my neck, and my hips down to my waist.

I stepped closer to the mirror to see my image clearer. I stared at my eyes. My eyeballs are big. They’re round and black with dark blue lining. I made few steps backward and noticed that my eyes look like those of an Indian. I smiled. I again stepped forward closer to the reflector. I suddenly noticed the red orange spots on my face, dark spots on my neck and arms because of my allergies. I then frowned for the thoughts that crossed my mind. I was never beautiful. My colour seemed to defy all the beauty I have. I took a look outside. I saw the beautiful views, beautiful colours of nature. I then sound a rich chuckle thinking that life is fair. I may be not beautiful, yet at least, I have lived in a beautiful place. “Isn’t thriving in a pretty place magnify my NOT-SO-BEING-BEAUTIFUL?” I guess no. It’s what I interpret as FAIRNESS.
But honestly,I’m not contented with that kind of “fairness”...

I can see other things as gorgeous creations why can’t I see myself like that???

I then faced the mirror back. I looked at my entire being.
Spots?..So what?
Dark skin?...So what?

I am beautiful in my own simple being...^^,

The Movie

2009-04-26T04:04:00.000-07:00

I met him through a friend. He’s name is Cris and mine is Kris. We laughed because our names sound alike. =) . By the time we were introduced to each other by a common friend, I already noticed his obvious beauty. His eyes are round and expressive. They glow with feelings and emotions. His lips are in perfect shape, not so full, not so thin just perfectly good. He is skinny yet attractive in my own perception. But his very asset, which struck me most and left me in awe, was his bouncy shiny hair. It makes him totally gorgeous.

“Hi Kris,” he said with a soft and warm voice. Painted with a sweet smile, my face blushed. I looked at him and our eyes met. I then answered back “hello there Cris, have a seat =).”

I started the conversation to make the moment not dull. I asked where they were before they went over my place. He said they watched a horror suspense movie. Excitedly, I asked him to retell the movie for me.

At first, I was closely listening to his every word. I lean forward to hear him clearer. I looked at him and listened enthusiastically. A moment later, I didn’t pay attention to what he was saying anymore; I got focused on his ways, the blink of his eyes, his not-so-fake smile, and the move of his hair every time his fingers comb it from his forehead to his nape. The day ended with sweet “goodnights” and “see ya” yet I never knew how the story goes and ends, all I know was his beautiful ways.

I enjoyed his company. He is funny with sense.

Our first meeting was really good but after that we never had a chance to bond with each other again. Our class schedules aren’t that friendly to us. I seldom see him in the campus but when I do, great things happen; Butterflies would be around, flying with scents; Soft music would be playing on my psyche; Flowers would be falling from the sky. But all of a sudden, with just a snap, a blink of an eye, everything would go back to normal, watch him pass by me. Moments like this just rewind until the semester ends.

I was losing hope of going near him. Unexpectedly, on a hot summer afternoon, about 3 in the afternoon, I received an SMS from an unregistered number on my phone. Soon after, I knew it was him...
My little knowledge of who he was plus his unique messaging resulted to the formulation of an image, the image of my perfect man.

Fantasizing and giving other meanings to his texts supplemented my lacks- that is the desire of being with him whenever I want to.

Our first acquaintance-bonding was his retelling of a movie. I never expected he’d invite me to watch a movie in the movie house. By the time he asked me out, I abruptly said yes, no hesitations, no doubt.

I met him again. I looked at him closely. He’s very the same and so was the feeling. I wanted to hug him tight to feel his warmth yet a blanket of bashfulness covered the entire me and hindered me to do so. The movie started and I got to know him better in front of the cinema screen. I’ve got the pleasure of time watching him sleep in front of the cinema screen. Looking at him, his lips are very inviting yet I resisted the call of my flesh and redirected the window of my being to the big cinema screen. I closed my eyes and put my head on his shoulder wishing we’ll be meeting on a common dream.

A Letter To Pop

2009-04-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

November 18, 1997

Dear Pop,
I wish you’ll forgive me Pop. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry Pop.

Yesterday, I went to Sue’s house. I fetched her. We are to watch a scary movie but her mind changed and she decided to stay. She said we’ll stay on her place. Her mom and dad are out for the business trip so we’re very free to do whatever we want. Looking at her eyes, I saw the fire in full blast. I flashed her a naughty smile, said “why not?”, and bit my lower lip.

Their house is quite big, just a duplex. . We stayed in their spacious living room. We spent our time playing scrabble, talking and talking. We got bored. Suddenly, she stood. She asked me to go upstairs, in her room. Flashing her white teeth, she was very inviting as she projected a very naughty smile. I tried to refuse but before I could speak, fire rush through my head and my body just followed her magnetic ways. She touched my lips with hers as we walked toward her room. She slowly unbuttoned my pants. She touched my hips and rolled her fingers on my back. She pushed the door with her rich butt but the door was locked so she stopped kissing me and fished the keys on her pockets. She opened the door and got in.

She unbuttoned her blouse as her sexy hips swayed. It seems like she’s drawing me nearer her. She kissed me. She took off her skirt. She laid me on her bed. I was perfectly stunned. I could feel my adrenaline flowed rapidly on my body. I then took of my shirt and pants as I felt the warmth of her body. I felt the heat of the moment as I screw and screw in to her.

That moment lasted for almost half an hour. I closed my eyes and sensationalized her presence. My mind ran so calmly. A single thought was the only on my mind. I finally found the girl whom I’ll spend my life with. I opened my eyes and I saw her charming face smiling as she slept. I again closed my eyes. A moment later, I was awaken by a sound of a dripping water outside her room. I rose to see what it was. I opened the door and the sunlight struck my eye. It was already 8 o’ clock in the morning. I turned back. I saw no one. She was already gone. I wondered where she could be. I called her but only thing I could hear back was my echo. I noticed that the house was very dusty. I looked at the stained mirror, which was still clear the night before. My heart was beating faster and faster. I almost run after my breath. I then fixed up. I got out of the house. I look back. To my surprise it looked so old, seemed an abandoned house for several years. I hurriedly hailed a taxi and gone home.

I got in my room. Mom handed me a letter. It was from Sue’s mom. It was dated October 9, 1997. But before I read the letter, I remembered Sue and I fought a month ago. We broke up because she has other guy. I didn’t mean to slap her that time...

“ She loves you very much. Why have you done that? You’re the only guy she ever loved. She’s dead. . . Why have you done that? “ the letter said.

I shed tears. My hands numbed. My sweat felt so cold. My conscience was going against me.

Pop, I killed her. I just can’t take it. She’s unfaithful. Pop, I killed her. I killed her.

By the time you’re reading this, I maybe dead too. She’s my life and the reason why I live.

I’m sorry .

Always faithful,
Jack

CHANCE?... CHASE

2009-03-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

She was fooled once.
She fooled herself twice.
She regretted thrice.

She had her gentleman caller but she was taken as an option of his man. She was hurt. That was really tricky. He was believable but he lied. The love offered wasn't promised to last forever but he swore he loved her but it was a lie, a lie that penetrated her weak heart. This caused her to stick in a principle "TRUST NOT BUT YOURSELF"

Half a month later, he came back, back to her arms again, saying he realized that he loved her more than the other girl. He courted her again. By the second time, she gave him a chance, a second chance to show that his love was true. She let herself drown under the spell of sweet words, and the charm of his flowery tongue. She let herself be drifted away from the thing she stood upon. She gave her heart and they already were... considered as Lovers. First days were good. Their tale lasted for only a MONTH. He broke up with her for the reason of 'losing the appetite'She then opened her mind and let him go. She understood that love has FADED. The chance was wasted...

She tried to be strong. She never cried but inside she's drowning in tears. She never cried but deep inside she's bleeding. She never cried but inside her, she was rapidly DYING...She tried to smile and hide the pain that kills her. She tried to to laugh to hide the sorrows in her eyes. She tried to be HAPPY to CONCEAL her grief.

Everything then went ok behind her welcoming FACADE. She exhausted herself in studies. She let herself be submerged in her commitments and responsibilities in school. Everything went fine. A 3-month silent mourning is enough. A 3-month sadness is over.She was ready then to face the world with TRUE SMILE, TRUE LAUGHTER and TRUE HER. But a day of another heartache came...

He AGAIN came back, confessed again that he still loved her. He said he realized that REAL importance of her to him.. His life was empty without her. LOVE has led him back to her. HE tried to hug her.. HUG her TIGHT and asked another CHANCE, Chance to beTHEM BOTH again, chance to show the unexpressed feelings and chance to fulfill whatever needs to be fulfilled.

She LOVED HIM STILL...MORETHAN he ever think she did...

She wanted to give him another Chance, FOR THE LAST TIME. BUT before she could utter her heart, her mind spoke for her.

"I LOVED YOU TOO... BUT I CAN'T TRUST YOU AGAIN... I CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE MYSELF AGAIN..."

After this, I never know what happened to HER..The last thing I heard... She regretted.

2009-02-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

help me...!!!

Beauty of Prohibitions: bakit masarap ang bawal

2009-01-22T21:16:00.000-08:00

Today's people is living in a taboo society in the eyes of our senior generations. I can't blame them for thinking of us as negative. I know we have different perspectives in life. As the scenes of everyday living in the city projects, we are living in a community of prohibitions and restrictions. and we seem to disobedient on the rules imposed to our faces. I am skin asthmatic. I live in a life of restrictions. I have this long long list of not to eat foods. NO PORK, CHOCOLATE, ICE CREAM, CAKE, PEANUTS!!! But still I'm thankful I could eat banana and papaya...haha!! all of those I've mentioned are just a few in my list, I just wrote my favorites. Sometimes i just can't feel living. I can't enjoy life with no spice, I mean I don't enjoy not enjoying my favorites..^^, At first I frequently give in to temptation of eating pork. It's yummy. Nothing tastes like PORK does.=) I sometimes eat chocolate....waaaahhhh. It's really my favorite, and it' be classic.Chocolate will always be chocolate. I'm also tempted to eat peanuts and when it calls, I answer it with a big YES!!. Why do I always give in to simple temptations? What if serious temptation calls? Shall I give in to them impulsively?? I guess just loose control when it comes to my ego...=) I am the unica ija of the family. I carry a great pressure on my shoulders. It'll be a great SHAME on my part and on my family's if I.. you know... get pregnant before i get married... or shall I say preggy without a husband... "eew.. disgusting."
Why is conception of a baby always go with the teenage relationship.. what I mean is getting pregnant in the stage of going steady...
I turned nineteen last year's november 18.
and I still feel that I'm too young to have a relationship.. whew...
my mom always remind me not to engage to that... haha.. but i did have a boyfriend before i turned 19..

it lasted only for a month and 5 deays...

during those days... I felt soooo guilty.
We kept our relationship from my parents, only my brother Den knew it.

In my blood runs the blood of being a spinster.. hehe.
my maternal and paternal granparents' sisters and brothers are spinsters,..
hehehe,,.. but if i'll be like them too, I'd be happy to share my first and only lovetale,,,..

the feeling of the sensation having in mind that you have done something wrong is sometimes good.
hehe.. that makes LIFE exciting, I guess,
It makes life worth living.. maybe a perfect life would be boring... What do you think?

maybe that's the beauty of imposing do's and don't's, imposing standards of living, and imposing what should and what shouldn't be.

doing things against the norms is drawing the feeling of GUILT, EXCITEMENT, SATISFACTION and lots of undefineable feling inside.

BAkit nga ba msarap ang hindi dapat?, ang bawal?
IT's not the being "BAWAL" that makes it beautiful and satisfying. It is the feeling of thrill, and excitement, with the spice of guilt brought by the fact that it is bawal.

tale untold... II

2009-01-03T22:29:00.000-08:00

The break up was immediate... then we became friends again, few days after..

ms. magnet was there, but she never asked...
She was a witness of my fooloish love"kuno"story.. she was there... but I felt she understood and she diidn't asked about it..

Ms. magnet was a long time admirer of mr. nice guy...
She was obviously obssesed with him.. she was obviously doing things to seduce mr. nice guy...

between mr. mover and ms. magnet... everything was ok... I guess..
but in depth search of truth, I felt there's tension between them.. I guess because they both like mr. nice guy...

I was in all suport with ms. magnet... (I guess you'll be too if you're in my situation.,,=0)
I could say that i'm always VERY TRUE to her, but I can proudly announce that jst reflect what she does to me... I guess I do It to everyone??

our friendship is somehow deep,,,.. I guess??,
but as mr. nice guy accompany me always... I just don't if he always accompany me because he wanted to avoid mr. mover???,, I just don't know...
But The fact Is ... as I can see it, Mr. Mover avoids me in a ... I mean... In his simple ways...
the fact is.. he doesn't like me... well.. It's a good start for me then...

I said I won't be back to the chain of Hopeless romanticism...

But I guess I found myself to be THERE AGAIN...

i'm not in FAll with mr. nice guy.. but I'M feeling something different... a CRUSH I guess..,

I don't want this to be in the knowledge of my friend ms. magnet... but...

I DID TELL her.. hmmmm... maybe I'm that Honest...

now.. I'm in the chain again...

to be continued...

The Stranger OVER a Bottle

2008-12-26T01:25:00.000-08:00

She’s a demure girl. She’s gentle and soft. She can’t even utter harsh words. She’s young. She’s beautiful as what she thinks. She’s intelligent as she appears to be. She’s curvaceous as her physical shape projects. She’s charming and cute as her girl friends say. She is but really simple, simplicity that almost defy her beauty, simplicity that almost decay her elegance.She's dark but pale. she's dark and spotted. she's seductive. she's dark that makes her sexy. she's dark that makes her insecure. her girl friends think she got everything except a beautiful skin.

Her story doesn’t seem to touch others. She seem very happy outside but others don't know how miserable she is inside. Goods and evils of the world are fighting in her heart. Those thoughts are locked up in her close mind and weak in. Her appearance is a contradictory of what she is. they don't know how she suffer every time she hear the appraisals of her girl friends. She should be thankful but she's doing the opposite. she doesn't know why she feels that way. It's maybe because her girl friends could appreciate her, the entire her, but the one she love the most does not. the one whom she offered her love doesn't know how to appreciate beauty in different angles and senses.

her friends are her strenght, a strenght almost as equal as what she get from her family, supportive and thoughtful. but her friends seem to be like her family then. they don't seem to understand her. she seem to be unreachable.everybody's close to her but everybody seem to be so far. she seem to be locked up in an invisible box that no one ever dare to unlock and save her from loneliness. not until she came to know a stranger.

She met a tall, slender, lonely stranger.And she came to know him better over a bottle of Generoso.
He's kind. he's cute. he's kind and he's kind.
He came across her life in the midst of he lonesomeness, amidst her heartaches. He was there before her lovetale started and he became the witness when they broke up. he was there, still there.

He's a stranger she came to know so well as days of the semester passed, getting to know each other over a bottle of Generoso. A stranger is no more a stranger. She explored the stranger's thoughts and insights, heart and longing over a bottle of Generoso. Masks of pretensions were stripped away and true identity was revealed over a bottle of Generoso. She recognize a friend and a true lover over a bottle of Generoso.
Everything started or will she say everything ended over a bottle of Generoso.

the moment has turned the girl into a true woman. the moment has transformed her into a new person. she didn't become bad. she just peeled off her not being "her". It was a start of a true her. but also a start of her true heartaches.

They talked over a bottle of alchohol. the stranger cracked some jokes and she laughed her heart out. she laughed and laughed. They got drunk. HE kissed HER. SHE kissed HIM.they KISSED. Their lips touched each other's and ignited. the moment was heated up.. They again requested for another bottle of Generoso. everything was just a rewind. they talked, they laughed, and they kissed. They kissed again and again, a kiss she can never forget, a kiss that haunts her everytime she remembers the moment, A KISS SHE FIRST HAD, a kiss she was thankful for.
She's greatful to know a man through a stranger over a bottle of alchohol. a stranger who will bring an endless smile to her, having in mind her UNforgettable kiss.

TALE UNTOLD...

2008-12-09T05:05:00.000-08:00

It was summer 2007 when I came to know better this lovely person.
He's nice and handsome... but for others, He's pretty...

I first saw him 2nd sem SY2006-2007. I was struck by his deep brownish black eyes. In my sight they were sparkling.They were as graceful as the way he danced. They were lovely. By then I've got a crush on him. The seed of admiration had been sought in the soil of my wounded HEART. He's my Mr.MOVER.My mover I never expected to be with...
It was summer...It started.

It was summer when I busted my first official suitor. By that time too, my long-time agony of loving a person who doesn't even care was about to end... my love to Mr."musician" . But the hurt still lingers.. after summer...

It was summer when I thought tears won't moisten my cheeks anymore, but I was definitely WRONG...that was the beginning of another story of grief.
1st sem Sy07-08, MR. mover came really...really close to me.., after our "getting-to-know-summer ". I look at him... and I don't believe that someone would look... stare at him the way I do.
I wasn't in love yet... It's the feeling of security every time he's with me.. A feeling I could say, ONLY HIM could make me feel. Towards the end of the semester, I then realized I fall unexpectedly.Another tale came gradually. I chose to ignore it.. I choose to believe it's a lie... I choose to believe what I believe is true... But scenes flashed before my very eyes...
Then came a realization after the previous realization... my Mr. MOVER is unknown ... Unknown, unknown.. unknown..

It was summer when their affair sprouted from a seed of friendship... my Mr.mover and Mr. nice guy...

I could see his acts.. his looks... very deceiving... very ambiguous... for how many months.. I could interpret then what those mean..
I see myself trapped in a very complicated chain of hopeless romanticism. a chain I never imagined I'll be a part of...
I have decided to discontinue the foolishness of my naive blood-pumping HEART...

a year had passed.. we're on our 3rd year now... I guess every thing's OK ... but I was WRONG . . .
again.....

It was summer 2008 when I met MR. HYMN...
He was nice... very loving and thoughtful... he became my first REAL-LIFE LOVE TALE
. . . but every thing was ruined... I don't know.. there was a tragic change
he. . . I... went very... very.. very busy... no time... full of space...
He's so close... but seemed to be a miles away...
..We only reached our first monthsary... 5 days later, he broke up with me..
..I wish to hold him back.. but my conviction told me..."let him go...He doesn't deserve you...you'll find someone better"
...
during the time Mr.HYMN
was courting me... I felt something strange with my Mr.mover,..
He became sooooo sweet to me... sooooo thoughtful than ever before... to the extent that I thought he was courting me too... but that time, I've really decided to forget my feelings for him... my wasted effort of loving someone who loves somebody else... but I still am thankful... because I KNOW... he Cannot find on me What he had found on Mr. Nice guy.

The chain of Hopeless romanticism was brought out to life again when revelations of shocking stories was slapped before my cheeks...
I refused to believe .... but evidences were really obvious... seeing these evident evidences, willingly, I stepped out of the chain. And never wished to be part of it AGAIN...

Mr.mover has this friend... a gentleman of talents.. he's Mr. color
he nice and sweet... he's really huggable..
seeing Mr. nice guy made his heart beat ever different than before...
I don't know.. I thought things like those only happen in movies and films.. but no!!
they exist...

I have this friend.. A very pretty.. inside out... considerable true and ever NOT Plastic...
.. SHE is ms.MAGNET...
she's been the witness of my ups and downs...
magnet is different... I never had a friend as true as her...
she's my home... sometimes.. my strength..

to be continued...c",)

Unexpected FALL

2008-12-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

He's close...
Very near that i could almost touch his nose... Thier nose..
i could never imagine i'm hanging out with these beautiful people...inside out
I get used to it.. the laughters they brought to my life... the confusion i wish i won't figure out.
i'll miss him.. I'll miss them...
too much for roaming around the bush.. my point is... behind all those friendly outs, those friendly conversation, those friendly hugs... i hve malice on my mind...
I faLL... and Im falling...

is it wrong to fall in love in several... ???
i get confused.. i'm rotting inside... i'm dying...

A Step Closer To The Edge

2008-11-27T06:06:00.000-08:00

Am I prepared enough? When shall I be prepared?

My stay in college is getting shorter and shorter every passing day, which implies I'm learning more and more but what I feel is otherwise.

I envision myself in the future having at hand these experiences and "learnings" I've gained for 2 years in kindergarten, 6 years in elementary, 4 years in high school and 2 and a half years in college.I still can't say I'm ready to face the outside world, the world out of school.

I experienced stepping on the next stage of life before, when I enrolled and study for college but this anxiety I feel inside is entirely different. The "being uncomfortable" thought that almost haunt me every time I find myself alone is not like thinking of myself to be away from my family, but LOSING THEM., not just merely asking what course will i take up but HAVING A DECISION WHAT WILL I DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE., WHAT WILL I BECOME?

For how many years i stayed at school, I've come to ask, "HOW FAR HAVE I GONE?...and an answer sprung up my head with a company of realization..."I'VE GONE TOO NEAR".

a very long journey but only I HAVE GONE TOO NEAR from the starting point.

I'm getting nervous... to the extent that my tears would run down my cheeks and moisten my lips. I'm starting to think that I should have started doing my best from the time I enter college. I'm experiencing the feeling of regret, the feeling of dissatisfaction of what I have done with my life. I guess these thoughts are just but reminders for me that life is short and unpredictable, that life wants to lived in the full extent, that I should not wase everysingle of my life, that I should not waste every decision I may make...

A light of HOPE in disguise of miserable and anxios thoughts.. I then realized that I should be thankful that I have come to think of these though not early, at NOT TOO LATE ... I still have 2 YEARS AND A HALF TO PROVE MYSELF., Enough time to take another step, a step closer to my dream, to my aspirations., A step closer to the edge...

torn apart...happily

2008-11-20T21:13:00.000-08:00

I can't understand the way i feel...
same is true with the thing that i could never understand the he felt...
i just cant reach his ways,,, I just can't explain how things happened..
what's wrong with me then??
or is it what's wrong with him??
...
the relationship started Oct11 2008... and it ended Nov162008... it's really a short time relationship... but honestly, I have never viewed myself being with him as my partner.....
I never expected we'd last for a month.. All i think is we'll be ending it 2 weeks...
hahahaha.. but you know... happy enough... "cause i could say i have my own experience... only thing that disappoints me... is that ... my F I R S T was never given J U S T I C E ...
=)

SHOUT OUT FOR MY LOVE

2008-10-18T22:06:00.001-07:00

I was wrong when I entrusted you my heart.

I was wrong when I've fallen in love with you..

I was wrong when I thought you're honest.

I was wrong..and I guess,that's all it is....

I WAS WRONG..

..=(

BUT

I

hope

you'll

prove,

IN THE NEAR FUTURE...

that

I was wrong

to say.....I WAS WRONG...

Self_reliance

2008-10-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

What is self-reliance? What is confidence? Do we need to know everything about something in order for us yo posses it? Do we need to have concrete definitions in order for us to execute?Partly YES, and the other part to make it completely true and a justifiable BIG YES is experience.
Confidence is powerful. And to be powerful is to trust yourself, to believe in what you think is true and right, and voicing out what runs through your head.Speak your mind. Your latent conviction for what is right for you will be true to the universe. Have a brave heart to express, to show off ,through that, you can be heard.
Believing in yourself is self-reliance. Having the guts is self reliance. Thinking the negative way is like having termites inside that slowly rot and eventually kill you from within. Why then despise yourself? We are equal. You can do whatever they can but not in the same way because you are special, WE... are special. no one does the way we do. You have power. TRUST and BELIEVE. It's energizing your muscles to move, lubricating your joints to jerk, and fueling the fire inside your heart to accomplish something.
TRUST is one of the keywords in understanding self- reliance. It's showing what you've got, being who you are and being TRUE. Why be like others? We are created unique with distinct features. We are blessed with GOD-GIVEN talents and strenghts. Can't you trust your GOD-GIVEN presents? Can't you believe in your CREATOR-GIVEN wisdom? These strengths and weaknesses were exclusively prepared for you and you alone.And those are subject to discovery and enhancement. Denial of your abilities simply shows that you do not appreciate what's in you.
Appreciation is another ingredient for self-trust. It uplifts your confidence. It magnifies your strenghts and minimizes your weaknesses. Learning to appreciate yourself and your worth, learning to inculcate to your mind that you are important and you are playing a very significant role in the society are of your great asset.
Positive self concept comes along with the word APPRECIATION. If you know and you think you can do it, you CAN do it. If you think you can't. then it speaks of reality, YOU CAN'T. It's a matter of attracting the positive energy.
As I read Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay on Self-reliance, I came to remember my conversation with a friend when were on the library's comfort room. I asked her "Rai, how do I look?," then she answered a short but worth pondering statement, " It's how you look at yourself". I realize then that seeing things you want them to be has a great contribution to What it really look like, thus heigthened your self concept.

HAIKU............... ko nih.. haha

2008-10-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

Religion

expression of trust
true faith, committment and love
immeasurable

Guilt

unstoppable pain
rotting myself from within
as concience fights back

Unplanned

I said I love you
still I say I love you too
I love you it's true

What If...

2008-10-09T04:12:00.000-07:00

What if . . .

... my head is in the position of my feet? Will my head have varicose veins?
...I get pregnant early?
...I fail in my Lit 131 class?
...I die now?
...I lost all my friends?
...I cry now? Will somebody comfort me? Will I commit suicide? Who will stop me? Who?
...What if I accidentally forget how to breathe? I burst out because of the pressure of being a teacher?.... imagine... it will only take one year and a half to become one...
What if I'm already a teacher? I'm teaching in a Japanese school with Japanese students and Japanese co teachers?? haha..
but What if I won't be employed after graduation?? What will I have for a living???

...What if I marry a drunkard? A 2-pack-of-cigarette per day smoker?...
.. What if my husband die before me??
....What if I lose control and make love with somebody in this early stage of my life? will I get pregnant?
..What if I stroll around the school having a very big belly with fetus inside?
... What if I marry someone who is unfaithful??... Why Am I thinking of these things?.. I'm just 18........!!
..What if I stop schooling? Will my life have a happy ending??
Will I have a better future?... How? In what way?? What will my family be??
... What if the person I love now doesn't really love me...?? What if I'm just imagining things to be true?
What if "I" only thinks of "us" and "he" thinks of only "him"?
What if he doesn't really care?...
The other way... What if I fail to give love back?? Will I be guilty??

What if when I go home I met an accident? Will somebody save me and rush me to the hospital?
What if I met a robber? a rapist? Will they kill me??

What if I am a prostitute? will I have many customers?
What if I make money with my Flesh? Will I generate more income rather than being a teacher?

What if I am a virgin no more? What If I'm a bitch? I go out with different guys every night and have sex with them relentlessly?...eeeeewww....
What if I enjoy having lots of boyfriends????

"what If I never knew... what if I never found 'you' "
Will my life be the same??
Will my heart still beat the it palpitate now???

What if I didn't came out from my mother's womb?? What if I wasn't conceived at all??? Will I see the beauty of the world??? Will the earth continue rotating and revolving without my presence??

What if I lost my sanity because of these what if's?
Where will I be now??

Where???...

LiFe Is BeaUtiFuL

2008-09-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

The Summary

It is a story of struggle. The story of a youthful days of a child. A boy captured in between the cruelties and unfairness of life yet still his young mind perceived everything as a game. A mere game wit prizes in the end.

Guido, Dora, and Joshua were the main characters in the movie entitled "La Vita El Bella(Life is Beautiful)". The three of them resembles a happy family.Their story as a family started when Guido accidentally met Dora, a beautiful teacher. He fell in love with with the lovely Dora. And because of Guido's incomparable and unique charm, Dora fell in love with him too to the extent that she have left her fiance and ran away. Together, they formed a family . Dora bore a child and they named the baby Joshua.They lived a happy life not until one day. When all the Jews and Jewess were sent out of the country to be slaved, Guido and Joshua are of them.

The train, where Guido and Joshua were in, was about to go when Dora arrived and insisted to go too. She opt to suffer also what her family is to suffer. They were brought to the place. They were forced to work. Men and women were separated and so as the old ones. The aged people were liquidated and so as the young one's but thanks to Joshua's stubbornness in not taking a bath, he was able to survive. Joshua didn't understand what they were going through. He tried to ask his father of going home. To deny the truth and deprive Joshua of the experience the reality that they were slaves, Guido pretended that they were just playing a game and there were rules and there was prize in the end, a real big tank with a big gun.

In the midst of their suffering an opportunity of escaping come across their way. They grabbed it. Unfortunately, Guido died.

In the end Joshua was saved. Dora survived. They continue their life without Guido.

The Characters

Guido. A happy Jew who takes everything positively. He influenced others with his luck and jolliness. He is a person to look up to. He is really loving. He loves his family very much. He risks his life for the convenience of his wife and son. He lives his life the simple way. He thinks like a child but he really is a wise man.

Dora. A respected teacher, very simple yet very beautiful inside and out. She's a very charming lady, capturing the heart of Guido from with first glance. She is a hero. She's willing to suffer and die for her family. She has sacrificed her freedom.

Joshua. the only child of Dora and Guido, a very obedient son to his father only that the parents can't force him to take a bath.He is witty and very smart.

The Cinematography

The over all cinematography was excellent. Speaks of reality from lights to sounds to artists,. The scenes were realistic. The settings were simple but really portrayed what really should be shown off. The music, sound effects and lights were arranged very well which heigthened the intensity not every scene.

@@@@

Only one line sank in my mind after watching the film. It's "ther's a rainbow always after the rain" by south border.

The T'nalak Festival

2008-09-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

The T'nalak Festival

Multi-colored "banderitas" hanging above the streets of City of Koronadal, attractive and beautiful huts standing along the Alunan Avenue, brightly-colored bulbs thst lights the dark night of the city, smiles and happy faces that make the atmosphere warm, and the greetings of the joyful people of South Cotabato made the
9th T'nalak festival happy and gay.
The festival seemed to showcase the expertise of the people in different fields. Talents were showcased. The bests among the bests were recognized and awarded.
It ws fun.It broght joy and laughters not only to the children of the province but also to the neighboring provinces. the events were entertaining. It satisfied the wants of the people in watching wonderful presentations from the drum corps. competition to the display of fireworks.
One of the most striking events in the Festival was the display of lovely fireworks.My eyes were amazed. Different colors and different shades of lights flashed before my very eyes.They were awesome. I was satisfied. The long wait was worth it.=)

...=(

2008-08-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

Sadness
Dooms and darks of the world cover me. The shadows of unearthly fates flash before my eyes. My heart is so heavy that it can hardly pump yet it feels so empty. My eyes are wet and tired, deep and blank. My muscles are slightly shaking. They are weak and exhausted. my body is overworked, dog tired perhaps. My head is full of undefined thoughts. Paranoia. My lungs can hardly respire. I can hardly breathe. My lips can hardly speak because when they do, fluid form behind my eyes and starts to flow. I see the bright blue sky to be gray and getting grayer. The humid breeze gently touches my dry skin and slowly whispers to my ears the sound of silence. I feel the world's emptiness. The gloomy and cold outside sinks in and chills me to the bones. Next thing I notice, nobody is with me, no one. It is empty with smiles and laughters, empty of voices and hums. What is the vicinity then? Dark clouds and wet ground.

=)

2008-08-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

Happiness

Nature, perhaps. I see the world to be sunny yet slightly windy. The king of light and heat is up. It is yellow and hot. The sky is blue, free from dark nimbus clouds. Grasses are bright green and flowers are really in bloom. The water is rushing to the shore excited to splash in rocks. The multi-colored butterflies are sipping the tasty nectars from blossom to blossom. I hear the birds singing a melodious tune, the sound of shallow river that runs through the valleys and plains, the music brought by the swaying leaves and dancing trunks of the trees as light a breeze blows in. These sounds tickles my eardrums. I smell the aroma of flowering plants that tingles my nostrils and the scent of the fresh air air and saline water of the sea. I feel the touch of the breeze blowing from the ocean and the soft and smooth petals of wild orchids that soothes my skin.
Sports, perhaps. It is winning the championship game, shooting the ball in the basket in the last second, making a home base and hitting the bull's eye.
Love, of course. When the girl says 'yes' to the suitor, when the husband never forgets the birthday of his wife, when the wife kisses her husband goodnight. It is so deep, too deep that I cannot fathom. It is everywhere. Discover it. It is a matter of seeing things not the way they are but the way you want it to be.